Boards torn up

Tettering on the edge of a miarcle

2011-07-03T08:21:00.000-07:00

A teeter-totter placed on the edge of a high cliff. Below lay dangerous sharp faced stone that will cut gashes through flesh if contact is made. Behind lies a desert, wasteland, barren wilderness from which we have come from. Just beyond the cliff on which we stand lies another clif, beyond jumping distance, out of reach. This cliff, a plateau of lush green fields, fruit trees burdened with sustenance, ripe sweet provision. The golden sunlight shines upon the cliff just beyond, the dew glistening on the blades of sweet green grass.

The old life behind, death below and a glorious future ahead. A teeter totter as the only means of escape.

God brings us to a place of teetering. We cannot stay in the barren land. We must not try to jump across on our own. We must step out on faith and believe that God will uphold us with each step we take. We must choose a side. If we choose to live an abundant life of providence and contentment we must obey and walk across the plank that God has set before us.

So we argue with God. “The plank is too narrow for me to walk on. The board is too flimsy; it will break as soon as I put my weight on it. I’m afraid of heights, I’ll surely fall. The distance is too great, I won’t be able to make it. What if the teeter doesn’t make it all the way to the other side? I’ll plunge to my death. There’s got to be some other way, I’ll build my own bridge.” And God says “get up and walk”.

It’s not the most ridiculous thing God has ever asked of anyone. “Go dip yourself seven times in the Jordan. Hold up Moses’ arms. Place your praise team before your army as you go into battle. Walk around the city seven times for seven days. Speak to the rock. Stretch forth your rod. Sacrifice your son.” Obedience is what God expects, requires, it’s what our miracle is dependent on.

So we step out onto the teeter, make it to the middle, standing over the vast expanse of nothingness to our sides, death below, looking back to our safe, familiar impoverished past while taking a glimpse of what is set before us….life.

What will your heart choose to do?

I choose to continue across this plank. I choose life, I choose to obey and latch on to my miracle, to make it happen.

We wait for the supernatural to happen, something to “poof” out of thin air. In reality, we have the ability to MAKE things happen through our faith and obedience to God. He is waiting on you, what are you waiting for….choose the life that is just ahead.

The past 12 months

2011-06-18T22:59:00.001-07:00

It all seems too crazy to be true. So much activity crammed into the past twelve months that it really is almost unbelievable.

I began my 41st summer answering a call for help. A plea from friends, former colleagues and the public to help our school district by running for an elected seat for the SLZUSD. Never would I have allowed myself to dream such a dream, ever. It was an exciting yet scary time for me.

I began my 41st summer at work losing my wonderful mentor and manager to budget cuts. A year of furloughs, tight finances, constantly changing job descriptions and fear of losing my own job. It was an exhausting time for me.

I began my 41st summer, as I have for the past 12 years, thanking God for every moment loaned to me with my family. Always wondering when the loan will have to be payed back, it was a fearful time for me.

I began my 41st summer determined to pursue my education. Taking courses, studying, reading and writing, it was a stressful time for me.

I began my 41st summer longing for a home, a church home. A place to worship, a hiding place, a refuge from the pain and pressures of my "trying times". A place to be "me" to use the gifts that God has given me, to be a servant, to serve Him and to serve His people. It was a lonely time for me.

As I look back on this year all I can say is God is faithful. I never imagined I could endure such stress, pressure, push and pull and remain sane. My campaign was the most amazing experience in my life. I learned so much about myself that I kind of knew but never really "faced". I learned who I was, am. I learned how others see me, I saw my reflection. And for the first time in my life...I saw strength and beauty.

Work was difficult and has become worse as the year comes to a close. But regardless, I continue to press on. Work doesn't define who I am. There is no breaking me, I do not give up. Relationships are not dependent on location or proximity, I continue the friendships that I had. I looked into the mirror and saw a self-confident fighter, not a weak victim.

My third son graduated high school. The loan will be called on and I'll have to hand him over to his rightful owner. My job is done, I must let go. My greatest hope is that I did him well. There's another outstanding loan I wonder about, my greatest fear? I looked in the mirror for quite a while, I couldn't find fear. I don't see fear. I've searched...fear has gone.

I kicked butt in school. With everything else going on in my life, campaign, work, family, photography and article writing I never stopped. I took eleven units this semester and worked HARD. I look in the mirror and see diligence, excellence and sacrifice and a flippin 3.90 written all over my forehead!

It's Saturday night and an expectation fills my soul. I get to go to an awesome church tomorrow, worship and hear the Word the way I've been needing for so long. I get to serve. I get to help those in need and feed those who are hungry. I get to smile and say hello to someone and share with them what I've seen in the mirror. I've seen my reflection and I am not alone. This reflection that I've seen I want others to see. Not "me" but what's in me. I have a feeling that reflection has been there quite a while but I've never been able to see it so clearly. I guess my mirror needed cleaning...fear was the grime on my mirror preventing me from seeing "me".

I now begin my 42nd summer, a defining year for me. Tired & Stressed? Sure. But also determined and confident that my life is in God's hands and the work I am called to do will be accomplished.

I truly thank my friends for all of your support throughout the year. Through all of our emails, tears, stress, vents, bad jokes and just plain silliness I love you all so much.

What can I say to my family? My children, there are no words...I try to live loud so that the words I live will speak to your hearts. It is my reason for being.

Love my life despite.....

2011-05-31T18:36:00.000-07:00

I'm here. Busy. Crazy. Happy. Sad. Forever faithful to God and my family.

I've been reading through some of my posts on this blog, reminded of how difficult life has been. Not that I need reminding, I'm still living it day after day.

Work. Going to college.

Andrew ready to graduate from high school in a couple of weeks and then leave for Tennessee to college in a couple of months.

Alex and I alone with BW.

The load gets greater and greater as there is less and less family here to help. It's ok, we'll get through, we're tough, we're strong and we have each other. All in all I'm really learning to love my life.

I love God, He makes my life amazing...despite myself, despite my circumstances, He just does.

I really do love my life. I know that there is an amazing plan for me and I really can't wait to see what that is. In the meantime, I work, go to school, help those in need and live the best life I can...because it's the only one I've got. If I don't love it, who will?

I love my life...despite

21 years of motherhood

2010-05-02T19:03:00.000-07:00

I don't think it's hit me yet, this milestone I am fast approaching. I'm sure it will soon sink in and I'll come to the realization that I have seen an entire childhood unfold before me, a life for which I was responsible.

Thinking back on the excitement, apprehension, fear and wonder I felt 21 years ago, I realize I had no clue what an amazing journey I was about to experience. My life, and the life I carried inside of me would begin to unfold gloriously.

How did I become so blessed? Why? To hold this amazing child that God created, was the most humbling experience of my life. Yet to see him, now a man, grown into a form that is established, humbles me even more. No longer is it ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes, but a full grown form of a man that can hold on and can carry himself wherever he pleases, wherever the Lord leads. No longer does he need my comfort, nor my arms to hold him, but I trust that he will rely on the comfort of the Holy Spirit and would seek refuge in the secret place of the Most High.

My children will ALWAYS be mine, my babies, but this is a milestone I've reached and in a sense my job here is done. I can only hope that he chooses to let me in. That he continues to seek my advice, my guidance. But it's up to him. I'm here and I will always be.

2010-01-19T20:22:00.001-08:00

Guess that didn't work too well huh? Lol

2010-01-19T19:48:00.005-08:00

(3/3) excuse as I've just dropped amost 450 big ones on BOOKS! Oh well, at least we got the books we needed, I just wish I had a computer to study with! Soon

2010-01-19T19:48:00.003-08:00

(2/3) months to purchase this darn thing but of course one thing after another happens and my needs get pushed off to the side. Books this month, thats my

2010-01-19T19:48:00.001-08:00

(1/3) Testing to see if I can upload a post from my phone. Since I've been kicked off the main computer and I have no netbook...still. I've been trying for

Ahhh, the New Year!

2010-01-01T14:19:00.000-08:00

Ok, so it's been MONTHS since my last post. I've been carried away by life, work, photography, school, kids and hubby and facebook, can't forget about FB!

I'm not going to make any promises to keeping up this blog, but I do need it. I don't post much personal stuff on FB as I'm just not too comfortable. Not that this blog isn't public, it's just not that "publicized".

I really came back to blog my feelings about the new year. Not only have I neglected posting to this blog, but I've neglected putting my feelings down somewhere. This is something that I really do miss, so I'll get straight to the point.

New Year. It's supposed to be a new start, a fresh beginning, getting rid of the old, forgetting that which lies behind and looking forward to what lies ahead. But personally, there is nothing I am going through that I can leave behind. Everything I carry must follow. Each year, well, for the past ten or eleven years, I begin with a sense of sadness, a sense of dread. Each year I wonder if this is *the* year.

Even though Willy is doing well, we do go through our good days and bad days. I see him and all he goes through, the pain, fatigue all the suffering that he endures and I wonder to myself "how much more can he take?". He still never complains and he gives every last bit of energy he has to helping me and making sure I'm happy, but it weighs on him greatly. We laugh, joke and poke fun at everything but deep down inside when we look at each other we know there is a grave truth that lingers over our heads.

Each moment, each year we have, we appreciate. We are not fools, none of us are. We thank God for all that we have and all that He has given us. Our kids know very well, and I see it in there eyes as the two leave for Tennessee, that this might be the last time they see their father. We're not a doom and gloom type of family but I refuse to live in denial and I refuse to let my kids live in a bubble so that when something does happen that bubble explodes in their face, unsuspecting.

I don't know the whole reason for this post. I don't know why I have the need to write this down. I guess I just have to put my fears down and move on. To get through this new year and look forward to whatever comes with grace and faith. I'm always scared during the new year...I just went back on this blog to 2005 and am beginning to think I sound like a broken record. Holy crap, I've had this blog since 2005! LOL <----short attention span, forgot what else I was gonna write!

Happy New Year all.....my best to you and your families.
~Redbecca - Bad Becky

OMG

2009-05-11T23:12:00.000-07:00

Been without a computer for THREE months! Man that was awful. I'm back up and running. Lots of things happening, lots have happened.

Willy goes in for another surgery tomorrow, fistula probs.

Little Willy home from school...yippie :)

Ben graduates in about a month!

Will post more later.

16 Years ago today...

2009-01-31T11:28:00.000-08:00

It was Superbowl Sunday. I was in the hospital...in pain. Oh my God, the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. I was having my 3rd son, Andrew. Prodromal labor they called it, well contractions 2 minutes apart for HOURS, with no progression. They wanted to send me home but I refused.

So there I was, miserable.

Andrew should have been a c-section, he was in so much distress after he was born. Willy and I just looked at him while I was trying to eat after my 18 hour ordeal and he just was not breathing right. We called the nurse in and that was the last time I held my baby for about 24 hours. He spent 6 days in neonatal intensive care, it killed me to leave him in the hospital, but he was in good hands.

Yeah, since birth 3 of 4 (as he likes to call himself sometimes) has given me a run for my money. Andrew the only child who has ever challenged me, the reckless, speaks before thinking child number 3. We've always had some sort of health issues with him, most recently some VERY serious issues with his ears and eyes, but God is faithful and Andrew still has his sight and his hearing. Andrew is my ever-so-faithful son, he always clung to me as a little boy and always strove to please me . The boy who stands up for his mommy :) (and got in trouble in sixth grade for it too, hmmm, I wonder if I blogged that story?)

He's growing to be wonderful young man, full of desire to Worship and Praise God. Dedicated to what he believes in and an amazing friend. This child, when he sets his mind to do something, will accomplish it and then some....but if he doesn't want it....he's unmovable LOL

We went out a couple of weeks ago to do his "Birthday Photo shoot". It was his idea, and I'm so very happy he let me take pictures of him. Too many times these guys don't want anything to do with being in front of my camera. This day though, he even brought changes of "accessories" LOL It was cute and fun.

Here are some photos from that shoot....I love you Andrew, you ROCK!

No matter how you act, I still love you :)

Andrew's "Blue Steel meets Magnum" (Zoolander)

This one is Andrew's favorite:

A flock of geese flew by and were "honking" it was pretty funny

Happy New Year

2009-01-12T17:51:00.000-08:00

It's been a while, I know. Things have been a little crazy lately and I really have no excuse except for I've been playing on Facebook when I get on the computer instead of posting on my blog LOL.

Along with the fact that the boys have been hogging the computer, yeah we need another!

Well, Christmas was wonderful. Willy came home on 12/10 and left today. BW has been ok, stable I guess. Alex had a HUGE fall and his face was a wreck.

Here are some pictures from that:

Alex in the ER. Here we are, me taking pictures of Will taking Alex's picture. LOL What a family!

Here's Alex on New Year's Eve:

He's doing so much better and looks pretty much normal. BTW all pictures were taken with Alex's consent. Actually, he thought "stitches" pictures are really cool....I'll spare you all those ones :)

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T10:34:00.001-08:00

I know, it's been over a month since my last post. Life just gets in the way, you know?

I just wanted to wish everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday and to declare the things I am most thankful for:

I am thankful for my husband. As you know, my husband is not in good health so everyday spent with him is like a bonus round in the pinball machine. Remember those? Yeah, my dad LOVED playing pinball and whether you got a bonus ball by gaining enough points, or but hitting that special target or actually loosing the game and hoping at the end that you get a "match" it was always exciting getting that free ball. LOL

There have been many times with my husband that I thought "the game" was over only to sit there and amazingly watched the "match" hit and viola, there he is again. For this I am thankful. (Don't let me misslead you, we are still waiting for that special "match" so contine to pray for us :) )

I am thankful for my sons.

Willy, who is celebrating this day in Florida. I am thankful for the friends he has made, his growth and the direction that his life has taken. I am thankful that he is furthering his education and looking forward towards his future.

Ben, who is in his senior year of high school and is looking forward to going to college in the Fall. I am grateful for the friends he has chosen and for his brutal honesty, even though it sometimes is construed as rudeness, I get him. He's a great kid, with a consience and an intollerance for stupidity. He'll get along just fine :)

Andrew. My Andrew of whom I have no bad stories to tell LOL. His love for music has really launched him into an entirely new direction. I'm grateful for his passion for the Bass and Guitar and Praise and Worship.

Alex, the baby. I am grateful for his amazing attitude, wit, understanding and intelligence. He's such a kind little boy and a little nutty too :)

My dad. I love my daddy and I am so grateful to have him around, even though I don't see him regularly. My work schedule has been a little hectic, he still stops by the house to say hello and to tell the boys "tel jur mama I came by".

My friends. My friends who get me through the hard days, weeks, months. My friends who don't judge me, who give without conditions and who are always there to make me laugh at a moments notice.

My job. I'm grateful to God for the job He has given me. It was a huge step I took and although it's "not the same" as my old position and I've left seeing one of my bestest friends on a daily basis I am grateful that I am there. I'm grateful for the health insurance that my job provides, without it my husband certainly would not be here celebrating this Thanksgiving.

I am thankful for the grace of God. That He gives me the strength to stand through all I have been faced with and all that I will face in the future.

Who is this????

2008-10-14T19:48:00.000-07:00

Getting ready for work the other day. Put on a black sweater and a cream & black houndstooth pencil skirt with a ruffle at the bottom. Needed a little color so I put on a long necklace with red and black stones....not too flashy, nicely spaced.

Thought to myself "This would look REALLY cute with some Red-patent peep-toe sling-backs" I stopped in my tracks at that thought and said out loud.... "Who the HECK is this?!!!!"

Yeah, I have no idea but I think I've turned into a monster....at the very least, a shoe whore!

Even more random conversations from a 5th grader:

2008-10-01T20:49:00.000-07:00

"Did you know that Wasabi is a culinary substitute for Horseradish???"

Ummmm, ok. LOL

All too soon

2008-08-10T22:53:00.000-07:00

It happened all too fast. The summer has come and gone and my Little Willy is headed back to Tennessee. It's been a wonderful summer with all of my children home. I love my kids so much, we're all going to miss this guy. Ah, where does the time go? Why do they have to grow up so fast?

Good friends good times

2008-08-05T20:33:00.000-07:00

I was able to get away with my good friend Ginny again this summer.

We go out to her cabin in the mountains and take day trips all throughout the region. This year we took a trip looping through Clover valley to Antelope Lake, the Genessee Valley and the Indian Valley, yeah, it took us quite a few hours to do it but boy was it worth it!

Tons of photo ops, tons of fun and laughs.

Of course we HAD to go to an old cemetery...it's a tradition! We actually made it to two. One near Quincy and the other in Nevada City. For the first time in the several years I've been photographing old cemeteries I had a ghost encounter! It was kinda creepy, but I'm sure there was someone/something there. Alas, the photos don't prove a thing but I know!

Here are a couple of photos I've edited so far:

Of course this is the ONLY photo I have of Ginny and me.

One of the headstones at the Quincy cemetery, and believe it or not I pulled out my lens baby and got quite a few shots:

Yeah, I went "there". I got "artsy" with the noose, I know, I know....I'm just SICK!

Playing along

2008-08-04T22:05:00.000-07:00

Lara posted this to her blog the other day and I thought I'd play along. I normally don't do the whole blog games but I thought this was cute.

So, if you are so inclined

1. As a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember. (Sorry Lara, I did more than one :) )

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you. If you don't want to play on your blog, or if you don't have a blog, I'll leave my memory of you in my comments.

My son, the poet

2008-07-24T19:05:00.000-07:00

Many times, I stand amazed at my family. Will has grown so much in this past year at college, and he's become this amazing writer. What amazes me is that he is only at the inception of this wonderful life of writing.

Things have been hard lately, my mind has been flooded with so many unpleasant feelings, saddness, grief, dispair. I opened his latest note on facebook and am instantly taken to another place. I love my son, Will. He is amazing:

on the wicker chair.

Today at 1:30am

hoping, wishing, waiting.

On this wicker chair. Shielded by the overhang of the patio from the pouring rain. The rain, for some inexplicable reason has this overwhelming feeling of distress. What it is...I do not know...

Sitting...following the descent of a single drop onto the lonely tire swing, which thumps as the drop makes impact. While the ting of one hitting the rusty bicycle complements every other drop that hits a puddle, the overhang, as well as the upside-down pail stuck in the what now is quicksand from the sandbox. All creating an orchestra of despair. Listening, the sound of sorrow still lingers. As I ponder just what it is that could be making the rain sad, I see a silhouette...playing in the distance.

Has she gone mad? This rain has no joyous feeling...and all the while I question her motives I cannot feel but envious of what she has. With a gleeful attitude in the melancholy rain she makes her attempts at happiness revealed. I sit on the wicker chair astounded that someone could find joy with such sorrow all around. Do I ask? Do I expose myself to the rain to see her vibrancy firsthand? Would I find what she has? What does she know about this rain that I do not?

On my wicker chair I hear the rain fall... This rain. In a sudden instant it steadies...and becomes a new feeling. Anticipation, and now comes down in an all too familiar beat. As I get up, the rain's tempo quickens...

The Rain stops...

Happiness.

More random conversations....

2008-07-15T22:08:00.001-07:00

It's All Star Game night. The game is being played in NY. There are many tributes to New York Players, including Lou Gehrig.

>>>Beautiful Tribute to Lou Gehrig being played between innings which includes his farewell speech
>>>I get emotional
>>>We all take a moment to reflect
>>>The silence is broken by...yes, Andrew.......
Andrew: "What did Lou Gehrig die from?"
All of us, in unison, roll our eyes and answer "Lou Gehrig's Disease!"
Andrew, answering sheepishly: "Oh yeah, I knew that."

Yeah, memories that will be relived at the dinner table with the daughters-in-law.

I'm still shaking my head.

Random conversations in my house:

2008-07-13T22:30:00.000-07:00

Me: Who Drank my iced coffee that was in the freezer?
Andrew: I drank your iced coffee this morning, I was up and 6:15 and needed a little "pick-me-up"
Me: You don't need to drink coffee for a pick-me up! *I* (the mom) drink coffee for pick-me-ups!
Ben: (butts into our conversation and looks directly at Andrew) "You need more than coffee to pick you up son! You need a CRANE!"

We all stop and roll on the floor laughing.

Yes, my days AND nights are filled with this kind of banter....never a dull moment around our house :)

Hot hot hot!!!

2008-07-10T07:22:00.001-07:00

We had dinner in the park for the second day in a row.

Just thought I'd post a picture of the end of our day.

Two posts in one week? What's up with that?

2008-07-03T22:28:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess I'm just so glad to have a three day weekend that I've decided to post again. Well, that and the fact that the boys are busy with TV and games, that they've left the computer open :)

Just had to post some pics of our little outing this week. We went to the fair on Tuesday. Big Willy was able to join us and boy do we feel blessed! Last year at this time things were REALLY hard. Willy couldn't come with us because of his treatments, even if he had the day free, it would have been extremely difficult for him to even get out of the house. We had a wonderful time out together with the family...well, ok, I was annoyed, the boys drove me NUTS, but what's new?

My guys wouldn't leave me alone for two minutes, when I did get away from them, they kept calling me on the cell to find out where I was. Do I have a backwards life or what? Aren't teenage boys supposed to hate being with their families, especially their mothers? Yeah, not my kids! I say that in jest, knowing how truly blessed I am.

I'm extremely happy with my children and very proud of them all. They are a joy to be around and are flippin HILARIOUS! Never a dull moment in the Olivera van...especially when all four of them know how to make the most annoying sound in the world....and let me hear during the entire trip to the fairgrounds. I swear when we are all together, watch out when you take a sip of your beverage, you just might end up spewing it all out through your nose!

Here are a few photos of our fun day...and yep, can you tell our sides hurt by the end of the afternoon?

Long time no blog

2008-06-29T16:34:00.001-07:00

I know, I know!

I've been so busy with my new job I've neglected my poor little blog.

Well, almost 3 months in my new position at Cal State East Bay and I think I'm settling in pretty well. Made it through my first commencement season and boy was I beat!

I'll be brief in my writing and just post some pictures of what I've been up to, well, what my KIDS have been up to :)

Ben's Jr. Prom:

The view from my new office building:

Andrew's first sermon preached:

Andrew and his Bass:

You're never too old to play in the park on the swings with your little brother:

Alex TOC's and All Stars:

Lee University!

2008-04-13T18:28:00.000-07:00

Awesome trip. Great to meet all of Will's friends. At the top of Ben's list!

And may I say "This group can SANG!" AND they got some moves. It was soooo much fun to hear them live and in person, they are amazing! I'm trying to figure out my new video camera and how to upload and create clips on youtube. Once I figure it out, you'll be able to hear them too! TTFN

Just a couple of hours

2008-04-02T12:37:00.000-07:00

And Ben and I will be on our way to Tennessee.

Geesh, now I'm all emotional. It was just a year ago when Little Willy took this exact same trip. I remember thinking, "How in the world am I'm going to let this child go?" Well, here we are, a year later and I can't believe I'm taking the same trip with my second born son.

Although Ben is just a Junior, we've got an entire year and a half to get adjusted to his leaving, I still can't fathom going through this yet again. I guess I've got to get used to the idea of my children growing up.

I've been thinking a lot about that lately, because really, I only have a few short years left with my boys here at home. It's amazing, how the last 19 years of my life have been geared toward raising my children, pretty much exclusively and now, I have just a few left to go. Of course, I still have Alex, but after having THREE teenage boys in the house at the same time, one will be a piece of cake....well, it should be right?

So, I'm off to Tennessee. I can only imagine what the future holds for my Ben....we'll see.

Move over bacon....now there's something meatier!

2008-03-29T17:28:00.000-07:00

LOL That commercial tag line has always stuck with me. But sizzlean was NO bacon, that's for sure :)

Well, there have been some HUGE changes in my life in the last 16 months. And they just keep on coming!

First, my husband and his life threating illness and life sustaining medical routines. Then my oldest graduating high school and moving away for college. Now time for me to make some changes, as if my life isn't crazy enough!

After 10 years of working for my local school district, I'm moving on. I would have never thought I'd move on but, after much turmoil, no pay raises and astronomical health insurance increases that were put upon the employees to cover I'm outta there.

Monday will be my last day. But not to worry...I'm moving on up...literally LOL

So many things to get done. And with all that is going on, Ben and I are taking a trip to see LW in Tennessee next week! Ben has put Lee University on his list of Universities he's going to apply to, so we're going out to take a gander. He'll get to stay with Will in his dorm room, as Will has chased away his roommates for BOTH semesters! LOL I guess it's his sleep talking or his stinky feet, either way, his roomies couldn't hang.

It will be a nice few days together and then I get to start my new job. Once I get there I'll post pictures of the beautiful view and see if you can figure out where I'm going :) Although, all my closest friends already know LOL - but no spilling the beans yet!

TTFN - baseball photos to edit!

Yep, that time of year again!

2008-03-18T19:29:00.000-07:00

Yep, it's baseball season.

We're still alive. Lots and lots going on. Some very good stuff and some little bit of sad. But all good nonetheless.

So for you who are pestering me.....here's a picture to hold you over!

Happy Birthday Andrew Bandrew

2008-01-31T22:16:00.000-08:00

Ah, 15 years ago I was in agony! Andrew was my most difficult pregnancy, well they ALL were difficult, but labor and delivery with him was just aweful I really should have had a c-section, but Oh well.

My baby (not REALLY my baby-baby but still my baby) is fifteen today. Geesh, I just can't believe it. Where has the time gone? I have no idea where it went.

Andrew was also the most sickly of all my boys. In NICU for a week after he was born. Constantly sick, asthma, ear infections. He got chicken pox when he was only 6 months old. Poor guy has been through so much. Even as a pre-teen and teenager he's had his share of serious medical conditions, but he's always been a fighter. He continues to fight to this day.

I'm so proud of my boy (even though I still think he's the one who ate my dinner* last night). He's doing amazingly well in school, scholar athlete, and is doing very well with his music.

Sorry, I have no pictures today, but I did make him promise me to do a photo shoot with his Bass. Let's hope he follows through, I'm dying to get some "cool" teen rocker type stuff :) (well, he's not really a "rocker" but that whole cool musician thing is what I'm going for)

*About that dinner....yeah, someone ate it. Not like they were hungry. They all had their helpings and decided I didn't need mine....well, I did eat, but was saving the rest for my lunch! Teenage boys.....uggggh!

Happy Birthday Daddy!

2008-01-26T22:51:00.000-08:00

Let me start with an update. Willy is doing just fine :) Thank you all for your prayers and support.

He came home on Thursday looking like a "cyborg" (as Ben said) I didn't even get a chance to get a picture of him! He got the sort-of patch taken off on Friday morning and is doing wonderfully!

Friday was my dad's birthday. Those who know my dad know he loves his "B" sports....Bowling, Boxing, Baseball and BINGO! LOL He's a nut, that guy and I love him so very much.

When I called him to wish him luck, he was going to get his freebies at Bingo, he told me he was going by himself. I couldn't let him be by himself on his birthday! So I headed out in the freezing cold rain and went to play bingo with my dad. Neither of us won, but it was tons of fun. Any time spent with my dad is filled with entertainment!

I managed to get some pictures of him lastnight. Notice his "pose" LOL such a goober, but I love him nonetheless :)

This poor guy

2008-01-23T17:55:00.000-08:00

It's not like he hasn't and isn't going through enough, now the man can't see!

He goes in tomorrow for cataract surgery on one of his eyes. They say this will help his vision considerably. Apparently one of the side effects of dialysis IS loss of vision/cataracts.

Here he is trying to help Alex with his homework. I felt so bad for him trying to read the book and and felt sad that he struggled so hard to read the words. Hopefully all will go well tomorrow and he'll heal to a point where he can see, maybe not perfectly but at least a considerable amount clearer.

Thank God Ben has his permit. There's no school on Friday so he gets to take dad to his Dr. appt :) He's thrilled, he gets to drive on the freeway!

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Sneek peek

2008-01-16T20:06:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd post a "teaser" photograph from this weekend. I had the privilege of shooting a quinceañera this weekend and I'm diligently working on processing those photos.

I was pleasantly surprised as I arrived at the church to see Mariachis! I've been dying to shoot a Mariachi band and was so excited at this opportunity. So, here is one of my "artsy" shots from this weekend. BTW When I get the name of this band I'll post their info, they were the best Mariachi I've heard in many many years.

Prayers and Positive thoughs :)

2008-01-11T20:26:00.000-08:00

For this mother whose son is learning how to drive!!!!

AAAACK, I truly don't have the patience for this, Lord help me!

On another note, I'm so proud of Andrew. Wrestling has been a challenge, but what could be more uplifting than a win? Yeah, he's training so hard and it's so sweet to bring home a victory :)

The truth comes out!

2008-01-08T18:14:00.000-08:00

A while ago Alex came clean as to the real reason he wanted to be a doctor.

Willy's kidney dr (Nephrologist) has a "PHD" Alex thought it was cool sounding to be a "PHD in Nephrology" (yeah it rhymes)

Then the topper was that the Dr. got to scoot around on those stools with wheels while he saw his patients. So, I guess if you sit on a cool & fun chair, it's got to be a great job, right??

About that crazy woman crying in Lucky....

2008-01-07T19:38:00.000-08:00

One of Willy's flights was canceled today. Good thing I check the status of his flights early, he would have been MAJORLY inconvenienced today. They automatically booked him on the next flight out, if we would have waited, he would have missed his connecting flight to Nashville and missed meeting up with his roommate for 2.5 the ride back to campus. I took care of it though, good thing he has an "on top of things" mom huh?

So because of the changes in flights we had to get to the airport a couple of hours sooner than planned. We didn't have time to take him to his grandmother's house for some yummy treats :) but we did get to go to Lucky for some snacks at least. Yep, as I was writing the check for the snacks, I burst out into tears. Oh, I'm such a pitiful soul! Will looked at me and said "MOM!", then he said it was ok and he understood why I was crying. We had a good laugh, until we got to the ticket counter, then the waterworks started again.

Ah, well. He's landed in TN and is on his way to Chattanooga right now and I'm ok :)

So so sad to see him leave, but it was so good to have him home.

The caveman

2008-01-06T00:45:00.001-08:00

He will be leaving again in a couple of days and I'm sure he'll revert to this. He just couldn't stand all of our OMG comments and decided to shave AND get a hair cut the next day. My dad even said "didn't you send a 'shaver' to him?" LOL

Big Willy was at home treating when I picked Will up, this is the look of confusion at seeing his first born cave child LOL

The "no pictures mom" pose I get quite often

The blurred photo I always seem to be able to get of my uncooperative children

I don't know how I'm gonna be able to say goodbye again. It's been such a joy to have him back home. I thank God we were able to all be together this holiday season, my only Christmas wish came true and I'm so very grateful!

Some things will NEVER change!

2008-01-03T22:43:00.000-08:00

We were all so happy that Big Willy got to join us on our little field trip to the Exploratorium. We were parked at Chrissy Field and I wanted some pictures with the GG bridge as the backdrop. I literally made them all get out of the car and pose for me. Well, of course it didn't work.

First they all stood on the little ledge and faced TOWARD the bridge, leaving only their backs and butts to smile at me. Well, getting photos of them facing me wasn't any different, I guess :)

But, this is my family and I love them dearly. Even if they won't pose for me. (Notice how Andrew moved to the other side of Will....he wasn't going to stand next to Ben anymore!)

We made it through 2007

2008-01-01T19:01:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year to all my friends and family!

2007 was the most difficult year I've ever had to go through. Looking back, and I really don't need to "look" too far back, just glance at yesterday, I'm amazed at how I got through, how my family survived. I only know it's a "God" thing.

I'm so grateful to my friends and family who have helped me through this difficult time, just by being there, listening, laughing, crying and sharing. You have all been a tremendous help to me and my family.

I'd love to say that 2008 is going to be an easier year, but honestly, I can't. I'm not being negative, just realistic.

Being realistic, I can say that I will work to keep my family together, till my fingers bleed, if I have to. I do look forward to what good things will come and I relish the "little" things. Because sometimes the "little" things are all we got and when they're all we've got, then they ain't so little anymore :)

So here's to whatever 2008 may bring, whatever it is, I'm ready.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-23T18:05:00.001-08:00

He's home!!!

2007-12-12T19:49:00.000-08:00

And he looks like a caveman! LOL Desperately in need of a hair cut and shave...which he will most likely not do either, what can I say, he' s his own man now :)

Ben and I spotted all the "college" kids at the airport waiting to be picked up, they all looked like Will, even down to the bare feet in sandals!

Ah my baby's home, even if just for a few weeks, he's home!

Anticipation

2007-12-09T10:47:00.000-08:00

3 more sleeps till Willy gets home! We're all excited and our main joy this holiday season will be having our entire family together again. There may not be room for a tree, but there's certainly room to make tamales and all our goodies!

It's been hard and different without Willy. I know things will never be what they used to be, that's part of life. Kids grow up, people change. But I'm looking forward to seeing the change and growth in my son. It's only been 4 months but separation and independence can do a lot to a person in a little time.

I know it's been especially hard on him, it's tough when it seems like there's no one familiar around, there's a lot of comfort in the "familiar" and he's not had that for a while. But he gets to come home and surround himself with that once again.

Don't worry baby, the house looks just the same as when you left it, and you'll still be washing your own dirty clothes :) .....so don't think we've changed too much either :)

I can't wait to see you!

I miss my babies....

2007-12-04T22:09:00.000-08:00

but I can always see my little friend Max!

I *heart* my little Max, isn't he the cutest?

Spent the weekend with Max, Lara, Annie and Vicki. Got 19 pages scrapped, played with the baby, took pictures outside and it was wonderful!

Happy?

2007-11-07T20:06:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the anticipation of what's to come consumes me. Regardless of the circumstances in my life, I try to be a happy person.

This week has been tough and it's hard to be happy when your concerns with tomorrow overwhelm you. I've had to repeat this scripture over and over again to myself:

Do Not Worry

Matthew 6 25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Since I can't add not one hour to my life by worrying and I've done all I can do, I'll sit and post something that makes me happy:

I *love* candy. But I was a VERY good girl and barely ate any!

Poor baby :(

2007-10-18T22:59:00.000-07:00

He's been so sick for a week now. Pneumonia - I feel so bad :(

Now, I am just CRAZY

2007-10-16T20:29:00.001-07:00

Yes, I shot FOOTBALL in the mud, at least I waited for the rain to stop. What was I thinking? Well, what's life if you don't take a few risks huh? Maybe it was stupid, but the results....priceless plus, I had SO MUCH FUN!

Click here to check out my entire action gallery for this game.

Crazyness!

2007-10-12T22:12:00.000-07:00

I'm here, I'm still alive. Big Willy is fair. Little Willy is homesick. Alex is just sick. Ben and Andrew are doing WONDERFULLY in school.

I'm just so busy right now. Work is kinda crazy and my "second" job is keeping me busy.

Check this out!

Yep, got a volleyball one up there too! Here are a bunch of my rejected galleries though and of course, JV football, which my Andrew is playing.

I'm REALLY beginning to like taking the football pictures, it's loads of fun, never ending action and today I got to shoot in the mud! Yes, I was FILTHY by the time I got home but thank GOD I didn't slip and fall LOL.

Just an example of how close I come to the action:

Yep, just a basic edit on this picture...I needed more of a wide angle than the telephoto I use but they're usually NOT always at my feet LOL.

Well, off to edit and post more. But can't leave without showing you my baby:

Conversations with my Eight year old

2007-09-10T20:22:00.001-07:00

Today while headed home in the car:

A: "Mom, I've been thinking"

M: "Yes son?"

A: "Well, If I don't get into Stanford, I think Lee would be a good place for me to go"

M: "Yeah, I think either school would be just fine honey. If for some reason you don't get into Stanford, it's ok. It's most important that you go to college though, where ever it is. A degree is a degree. But you've got some time to think about that so I wouldn't worry too much right now".

A: "Yeah, that's true...I do have time"

My God! LOL 4th grade and he's ALREADY thinking about STANFORD.... But if anyone can do it, I know my little Lex can!

Some photos of Will's departure

2007-09-04T22:28:00.001-07:00

He's doing really well. Still a bit homesick, I'm sure but he's adjusting very well.

He's enjoying his classes and his teachers. He loves his dorm. He auditioned for EVS and made it! That is truly an honor since he's not a music major.

We miss him terribly here, but we're getting adjusted to our smaller family. We can actually have JUST a salad for dinner (Ben LOVES taco salad) and everyone is happy :) Willy is a "meat and potatoes kinda guy, don't EVER give him veggies...of any kind!

AND it is kinda nice to not have someone breathing over me while I'm on the computer just waiting for his turn.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still yelling at him, his name is still in the list of names I have to get through before getting to the name I *really* want to yell at: "Ben, Willy, And...ALEX!!! Get over here now!"

But he is sorely missed :(

We miss you babe...don't forget to call...Love you!

Why me?

2007-09-03T18:43:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder why things happen the way they do?

OMG, I have no idea why I had to witness this horrific scene unfold but I did. I just witnessed the worst moment, the worst day of someone's life, the absolute worst and all I can do is weep.

I don't like that I had to see what I did, that children had to witness it. I'm sad, shaken up and still horrified.

Without going into detail, please pray for my neighbor & her family. And me too.

God knows why.

Blubbering idiot

2007-08-19T05:59:00.001-07:00

Yep that's me.

Saw lots of other blubbering idots yesterday too so I don't feel too bad.

I'll be home tonight and maybe I'll get a chance to post some pictures.

Willy and Welo went bowling last night. It was so cute and yes, I cried.

Maybe people will think it's sweat running down my face instead of tears, but then there's the whole wailing thing....hmmm nope no way to hide that :)

I'm in Tennessee

2007-08-16T06:19:00.000-07:00

No pictures to share yet. But I must say it was a terribly emotional farewell from home.

My boys have never been without each other. To see them embrace and weep with each other tore me apart. Just tore me apart :( It was JUST like an emotional movie, I can just hear the violins playing. All three of the boys standing in the front yard, eyes red and swollen, that sob-breathing where you can see the chest and shoulders move, waving bye as we pulled out of the driveway. As we're driving towards the freeway, Willy weeping in the back seat. Then I remember "Willy, your bowling bag!" (the violins come to a scratchy screeching halt) So we had to turn around, drive back home and get his bag. It was flippin hilarious! The boys still on the front porch, this time shaking their heads and smiling that we ruined a perfectly fine dramatic ending! Yes, this is the Olivera life, you can't stay too sad, or angry for too long, it's just not *us*.

We've been to Wallmart already got bedding, alarm clock, pillows and stuff like that. Willy moves in the dorms tomorrow, Friday. He got into the "Palace" lol. The newest dorm building that supposed to be just awesome....I'm afraid, very afraid LOL

We arrived in Nashville at about 1:am on Wednesday morning, when we went outside to pick up our rental, it was 85degrees...at 1AM!! It's a little cooler here in Cleveland but not much, thank God for AC.

Well, gotta go pick up Willy's balls, bowling balls that is. Out of six pieces of baggage that we checked, his bowling bag didn't make it through. Yes, the bag that ruined the perfectly dramatic ending that was going to stay impressioned in my heart forever! But they've found it and now we're gonna go pick it up.

More updates later.

Trial by fire

2007-08-12T13:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we went to the beach with the entire family as a "last outing" before Willy leaves. It was a stressful time, I think we're all just on edge and don't know how to react to this huge change in our family. We did go out and get some family pictures before that though, and although I'm not happy with the quality of the photo, I am happy that we are all IN IT!

On the other front....Willy set up another treatment yesterday, and I must say, I think I've got lots and lots more gray hair and scared to death! What's Murphy's law? Yeah, well, maybe not *everything* but some very scary things went wrong last night.

A 4.5 hour set up and treatment ended up taking 7.5 hours! Willy' saline line became contaminated, it was a stupid mistake but he was very calm, thought about his procedures and talked me through spiking a new bag and hooking it up. We could have waited, he doesn't need the saline until the treatment is over BUT of course he needed it to solve ANOTHER problem we were having with the pressure flow through the machine. And like that wasn't enough as we fixed the pressure flow we introduced air into the machine......HUGE problem.

We have been trained on how to remove air and I was doing just as I was taught, but man was that scary. That is the worst alarm that could go off on this machine. If air is introduced into his blood stream, he could die, very very fast. Willy held it together for me, talked me through it, remained calm. Not once did he freak out or raise his voice, I was secretly panicking.

I got the air out, reset the alarms and thank God that was the end of the drama. Except for Alex. While the other boys were TOTALLY oblivious to what was going on, Alex kept watching and was near, at arm's length the entire time. It seems he was the only one who knew how dangerous a situation we were in and he was extremely upset afterward. We talked, we cried, we hugged and we got through it. We stayed with our wits about us and we won! Yeah, so the treatment didn't end until 1:00am but the three of us woke up this morning with a feeling of victory, the others... just grumpy!

In case you're wondering, if the alarms would not have reset, we would have just stopped the treatment, he would have lost some blood but he would have been just fine.

Changes

2007-08-10T22:03:00.000-07:00

Wow. I'm in awe and pretty much overwhelmed at what is happening in my life.

1st off, I'm so proud of my husband. Words can't even express what I feel for him at this moment.
Yesterday was his last day of training for Home Hemo Dialysis and today was his first treatment at home. There were some technical difficulties and he couldn't run a treatment. He got everything hooked up but there was some problems with the power outlets in our house and the machine kept turning off.

But he got hooked up just fine, it was just a problem with the wall sockets.

2nd, I'm so proud of my little Alex. Throughout this summer Alex has waken up with Willy at 6:30am and taken the ride across the bridge to keep him company during his training. He wasn't forced to go, we didn't make him, he just wanted to. He'd make sure to tell dad at night to come and wake him up in the morning. On the couple of mornings when he wouldn't wake up, I told Willy to let him sleep, when he did wake up he was quite upset that dad left without him. He'd mope around the house all day long and I felt really bad.

Alex amazed the nurses and staff members at Wellbound. He'd sit all day long, reading, playing games and just keeping his dad company as he was trained and treated. I'm talking 6-7 hours per day. Not only did he keep his dad company, he also learned what Willy learned. He learned the mechanics of the machine. He learned how to prep and how to remove air from the lines. He learned safety precautions and how to help his dad if something were to happen to him. He's also helped him come off of his treatment.

I came home at lunch time, and as I was pulling in the nurse was pulling out. I walked in the house and Willy had to start disconnecting himself. I went to wash my hands and put some gloves on when I looked and Alex was already prepared to help and had his gloves on. (We have a supply of "small" gloves just for him) So I did what any good mom would do and grabbed my camera :)

Watching these two is just so amazing. Alex is so loving and caring towards his father and none of this has scared him. It doesn't gross him out and he has no reservations about helping...which I've always told the boys they didn't have to do anything they weren't comfortable with.

So, my entire house is changing. I have no closet...my room is a DISASTER, clothes and shoes ALL OVER the place. My living room is now half scrapbook room-half clinic. And I have child moving out next week...sigh.

Here's a quick pic of how many boxes of supplies we received this week and also pictures of Alex and dad.

It might seem graphic to some but this is my life, these are the changes I have to face.

10 years ago.....

2007-08-07T20:11:00.000-07:00

August 7th, 1997 is a day I'll never forget.

It's a day that sits in the back of my mind, always haunting, always threatening. A memory that at times tries to overtake me and fill me with fear.

But I've yet let that memory defeat me, in fact I've defeated it. I have defeated a lot of fears, and even face some more haunting than that day itself.

10 years ago, my husband suffered a life threatening stroke. We had 3 sons, ages 5, 7 & 9.

It was a bleed on the left side of his brain that affected his entire right side and his language central. He was paralyzed and couldn't put two words that made sense together, he couldn't communicate.

When I saw him in the emergency room, the doctor wasn't hopeful and gave him about an hour to live, his exact words? "Your husband may die within the hour"

When I think back to that day, to that time, it's almost as if someone is narrating my story. I look back and don't understand how I withstood that time, how I was able to stand firm and not loose total control. Well, I do know it was the promises of God that kept me.

A few months before, Willy and I had set out on the venture of starting a missions church in Oakland. We've always had a heart to help people, desperate people. We've always felt Oakland was a desperate place.

When Willy suffered this stroke, the only thing that came to my mind was that he wasn't finished with the work he was supposed to do, so obviously, if he wasn't finished he couldn't die. God certainly could not have put such a burden in our hears to just yank him out of the picture now, and not complete what we have set out to do.

So with that revelation, like a flash through my mind, I looked at the doctor and said "He will not die today, so where do we go from here?" He looked at me like I was crazy. I wasn't understanding his statement. There was no where to go from here. This was it. This woman before him was in denial.

There are so many moments, so many little things that I remember. So many feelings and emotions. So many fears. What if he can't walk? What if he can't talk or communicate? Will he ever stop drooling? I remember having to walk out of one of his speech therapy sessions. Stood in the hallway, propped up against the wall and wept. I wept because my extremely intelligent husband could not read a six word sentence. I remember thinking "this is impossible, he can't even read. God, he CAN'T READ".

*Wheelchair
*NG Tube
*Catheter
*unable to communicate, through speech or writing

He came through all of that. It wasn't easy, it isn't easy.

Can I be real here? There have been many many times I've prayed and asked God why he let him live. If you have ever cared for a sick loved one you'll know the feeling "If he died it would be so much easier". But again, I've never been known to take the easy way out.

And now, here we are, 10 years later and he faces a whole new set of struggles. The man has the patience of a saint. In fact, Ben and I have talked about this and we both agree that we CAN'T STAND how patient he is! LOL We hate it. The man sat at a gas station, on the day of LW's graduation party, and waited in line for about 1/2 hour to put gas in. He waited at this gas station because it was 5 cents cheaper than all the others. The others' didn't have a line, but he waited in line without complaint. Our complaint? He only put in $5.00 worth!!!!!! My God! LOL

He struggles, but he's got HOPE. He is so excited to be starting his home dialysis treatments. He's got new ideas for the church. He's wants to do things with the family. He's excited about life. He has been through so much in the last ten years, it's not been a very happy time. It's been a very difficult time. Lots and lots of struggles, unmentionable struggles, untold frustrations and indescribable pain. But there's hope. I truly, truly feel there has been a turn in the tide. I look forward to the setting sun, just to see what the new day will bring.

Here we go!

2007-08-06T09:26:00.000-07:00

My stomach is doing flip flops just thinking about this and next week.

* Big Willy comes home with his dialysis equipment this week, first treatment at home on Friday.
* Little Willy's last week home. He's so quiet and somewhat sad. I'm not quiet and REALLY sad
* I go back to work this week :( I haven't even thought of this new school year!

We've got to prepare for boxes and boxes and BOXES of medical equipment here at home. I need to re-arrange the living room and I might have to downsize my scrappin area :( I'm thinking of everything I can to all of his supplies stored someplace else in the house....I'm giving up my closet space! LOL It was that or the scrap area, shoot I don't need any closet space! Hopefully that's enough room :)

This is a really positive thing for us. It's going to take a little getting used to, basically having a clinic set up in our living room. But this is our life now, until Willy can get a transplant.

LW got his dorm assignment, his financial aid award, a notebook computer is on it's way and he's finally got a cell phone! LOL I think he was the only 18 year old without a cell phone in California! Now he's got a way to communicate with his mom when he's in Tennessee. Computer AND cellphone. LOL

He's such a brave young man for doing this. You have to understand, my kids didn't even like spending the night at other kids' houses when they were little. I left home at 16 and never went back. But I felt that was my only choice and in a way, it was. I've made sure to make my children feel as they belong and to give them a refuge at home, now he leaves his refuge, his safe place, to face the world on his own. I know he's not alone, God is always be there and we're just a phone call or IM away, but really, we all know that type of *alone* and this is where he'll be.

The "grow up or else" alone. The "make the decision and pray it's the right one" alone. The "no time to ask for advice" alone. The "do it now or else" alone.

We went for a walk at Pier 39 late, late night on Saturday. Me, BW, LW and one of his friends Miss K. I this is one of my faves, so far :)

BTW check out this site, how cool is that?

My little friend

2007-08-02T10:18:00.000-07:00

If you look to the sidebar of this blog you'll see a my friend "Little J".

Please go to little J's mommy's blog to read his entire story, The hardest day ever.

I've had the opportunity to babysit little J and he's the happiest guy there is, all smiles and giggles, my boys just fell in love with him!

Let's help him and his family raise awareness of Angelman Syndrome and help the research foundation as well. I want to see my little friend on the top 10!

But please don't try to cheat the system for him! Here's an excerpt from Laurie's post:

Okay, now that you have read this big long post, I should get to the part about raising awareness. Kevin Bacon has founded Six Degrees.Org. Six Degrees, in partnership with the Network for Good and Hanes, Hanes will donate up to $10,000 to the top 10 badges charities! The top 10 badges are determined by the number of unique donations, not by the amount of the donation. A unique donation means getting different people to support your cause. They will be checking all of the donation records for each charity badge at the conclusion of the campaign; duplicate email address and credit card combinations will only be counted once, because they violate the spirit of Six Degrees. So please, no intentional gaming of the system or encouraging others to do so; efforts like this will jeopardize your eligibility. Past recipient charities are not eligible.

Thanks everyone!

I have permission to cry

2007-07-30T11:24:00.001-07:00

Yep, my children have given me permission to cry for the next month or so. My Benito, has promised not to call me a "little girl" when I start to cry. He actually said "You're supposed to cry mom. It's sad, but happy at the same time. But I understand, and it's ok if you cry"

HA! Words of wisdom from my bodyguard :)

Why am I crying? Well, I've only got 2 weeks and 1 day left at home with my oldest child. In two weeks, he will be leaving us, and in Tennessee starting a new life. His college life.

We had his grad/going away party on Saturday and what a wonderful time we had!

Thank you to everyone who helped set up, tear down and cook! Thanks to Teena for being there taking pictures that I couldn't get to! All the pictures in this post were taken by Teena, owner of Scrapper's Paradise

Thank you to all our friends and family who came to show your support and love for my son. We are all truly blessed to know him and to have him in our lives.

So if you see me and my eyes are watering, or tears streaming down my cheeks...it's allergy season isn't it? :)

Me, giving my speech. I have no clue what I said, but I cried when I said it!

This is Welo, my daddy, posing with Willy and Benito

The boys, always up to something. They are all so close, saying goodbye to Will is gonna be hard for them too.

Alex, not as shy as Will, but still he didn't say much. His "speech" was "I love my brother". He's gonna have the hardest time when Will's gone, he's so sensitive.

Dad and son. Ned I say more?

The "star" of the show....Tamales :)

I'm Back!

2007-07-24T00:54:00.000-07:00

What a great time I had :) Relaxing, reading, making cards and most importantly, taking pictures!

I have some really great friends, even my friend who doesn't scrap understands my addiction and my need to photograph anything and everything!

She took me all over the mountains, stopping at a seconds notice when I saw something I liked. She's been scoping out places to hike and cemeteries to photograph. I LOVE taking pictures of old cemeteries, I know I'm weird but seriously, they are truly beautiful. Ginny even planned out a trip to the scrapbook store, just for me :)

Well, I've got over 500 pictures to go through....I've already weeded out about 150! I've got a couple of hundred of tamales to make by Saturday. But I just couldn't resist this picture. I'll post more as I get a chance.

See ya later!

2007-07-17T21:05:00.000-07:00

Yep, I'm packing up for a week and running away to the mountains!

I'll be hiking and taking pictures by day and card making by night :)

Ginny and I didn't get to go away last summer but we're on our way in the morning....I'm so excited!

Today, I wept.

2007-07-13T10:52:00.000-07:00

Today I wept. I cried and I cried, and my husband held me.

He held me tight and didn't say a word. He kissed me and stroked my shoulders, but most of all he held me tight.

See, I won't regret posting this because for the past year I've cried by myself. I've cried in the car. I've cried at work. I've cried myself to sleep without anyone knowing or realizing. I've even cried in front of him and he didn't even notice.

I've cried because of him. I cried for him. I cried for my children. I cried because of fear.

Today, I cried for me. I wept, and he heard, he felt, he cared....and it made me weep even more.

There are no words

2007-07-10T21:10:00.001-07:00

No words can express how I feel at this moment.

If you know me and my family and the hell we've been and are going through, you will understand.

Don't ever....EVER give up my friends, never!

Brave, Strong, Couragous....determined

2007-07-07T09:45:00.000-07:00

This is my husband.

I can't put into words how proud I am of him. Not just his determination in his weight loss but his determination to stay alive.

As I posted before, he is now in training for "Home hemo dialysis". The training is five days per week for about 5 weeks.

His VERY first day of training, they showed him how to set up the dializer, had him clean his access and then handed him one of the lines for him to put in himself. The "lines" are basically a needle connected to a tubing that will allow the blood to flow either in or out of his body. Yep, he had to stick himself - the very first day!

They had him start on the arterial side and he got the needle in but he just couldn't get in just right, so the nurse had to take over. To Willy's credit though, his arterial side is in really deep and it's kinda turned, so it's tricky trying to position himself and get the needle in just right.

The past two days he's done the veinous side and got the line in no problem.

He has to draw his own blood thinner (heprin) and inject it through the lines. He has to take his own BP and monitor it. He's going to have to draw his own labs and spin it in a centrifuge here at home once he's all set up.

I look at him in amazement. He's not balked at this once. He's not complained about sticking himself once. He's ready and he's willing and he's DETERMINED.

Here's a little something....

2007-07-05T10:08:00.000-07:00

I threw together really quick.

I was processing photos the other day and Willy looked at the computer and asked who was the person in the picture. I looked at him like he was stoopid and realized he really didn't recognize the person in the picture. I said "It's you!". He then looked at me like I was stoopid, got closer to the computer and all he could say was "Oh my God".

The picture he was looking at was the last one in this series- July. I then began to pull up pictures from throughout this and last year and he just couldn't believe how different he looked. So I share with you the man who is changing right before my eyes!

BTW - He's at 115lbs lost!

We are all so proud of him!

Celebrate!

2007-07-04T18:25:00.001-07:00

Too many photos to post here so I thought I'd link you up :)

Enjoy the show! Happy Fourth!

Happy 4th!

2007-07-04T09:40:00.000-07:00

From my family to yours :)

Brand new hope

2007-06-30T19:46:00.000-07:00

A while back I posted an entry titled "My fear of Sunsets". I remember vividly how I felt while I wrote that piece and how afraid I was, and still am, of not knowing what will come after the sunset. Willy's health has been a weight on my mind and heart for some time now.

I went away with my buddy Lara and her precious baby this week. To get out, away and to scrap a bit. We were in a beautiful home in the mountains of Sonora, and this is the view I had each morning from my bed.

The first morning, I didn't have my camera with me and was really too awe struck to get up and fetch it. The second morning, I had my camera by my side and was able to capture a glimpse of the beauty and hope of this glorious sunrise.

I truly feel that we have gotten through an extremely rough/crucial time and I now have something to look forward to.

Willy had been quite a trooper with his treatments, but it is awfully depressing. Depressing for all of us, but he's the one who has to deal with being in the clinic 5 hours at a time 3 days a week. It weights on his mind and takes a toll on his body. It really isn't any fun, I mean when he walks out of the house first thing in the morning, it's not like I can say "have fun" even "have a good day" seems inappropriate , so I've just resorted to not saying anything except "I love you".

A week ago we went to an appointment with the home hemo dialysis clinic. Willy was extremely thrilled and totally interested in doing this. They needed insurance approval before we could begin and that came in a matter of days! So, on Monday he begins training for home hemo dialysis.

It's not going to be easy, at all. The process will still take about 5 hours at home and it's a 6day per week treatment. We will have the machines here, and he will literally self-treat. The training is intensive, daily for about 5 weeks. But he will have control of his own treatment in his own home on his own schedule.

The boys are aware of what's going on and this "in your face" treatment. But you know, we've got to do what we've got to do. At this point getting Willy out of the clinic is what we GOT to do.

I totally feel new hope for Willy. Most importantly, He feels new hope. His health problems are not going away but the way we're dealing with them are beginning to look a little less depressing. He would so much rather spend 5 hours in his own home with is family surrounding him, being able to watch cable tv or a movie of his choice. Instead of going to the clinic, hearing other patients complain, seeing nothing but elderly people, amputees just laying there with no life in their eyes, no smiles on their faces, no strength to walk.

Maybe it's just the clinic he's at because I know there are other more lively, young and hopeful people on dialysis out there. Willy just happens to be seated with the ones who scream to be released or who don't have enough strength to walk or even desire to talk. He's the most patient man I've ever known, but after just six months, he can't take it anymore. We've been told he'll likely have from 3-6 years more of this before a transplant would be possible.

So, thanks to all of the wonderful technicians who've assisted my husband. You are incredibly gifted, I have no idea how you do what you do for hours on end. How you can see patients come and go, is beyond me. You are amazing people and totally under appreciated.

Today was Willy's last clinic treatment, on Monday he starts his training to take care of himself. Hope.....there is hope

My joy

2007-06-27T09:58:00.000-07:00

I've just gotta say, I love my boys.

Life goes by so fast and children grow even faster.

Going to the fair has been a yearly tradition for us for at least 13 years. I used to load up the car, double stroller, lunches, bottles, juice boxes, sunscreen, hats, diapers...well, you get the picture, and head out to the fair with the boys. We'd have fun walking around, playing with the exhibits on "Kids day" watching the silly & corny shows. By the end of the day I was exhausted from dealing with the three little ones - all 2 years apart. So depending on the year I could have a 1, 3 & 5yo...and so on.

We visited the fair yesterday. With my teen boys and my little one. Although I truly miss the fun we used to have when they were little, the questions, their cute faces, I have come to appreciate my children in a whole different sense.

Instead of running around and under and in circles LOL, my boys actually can appreciate the art that is displayed. We can walk through the Hall of Commerce or the Garden exhibits and take our time perusing, instead of just running through with no clue or appreciation for the beauty that is around....or admiring the special squeegee that will last the next 25 years! HA!

No, are we done yet? Can we go now? This is boring! Well, I got a little of that from Alex but at least it wasn't 3 to 1 against me....it was 4 to 1 against Alex!

It's so nice to be able to hold an intelligent - thought provoking conversation with your children. Yeah, singing silly songs and making funny faces is a hoot too!

But, to know that the children you have raised and watched grow for all these years have amazing thoughts and dreams and hold an appreciation for art and education is a wonderful feeling. We can walk through a museum or an educational exhibit TOGETHER, they don't roll their eyes instead, they take time to inform themselves and read things that interest them.

I've heard so many people talk about how their teens don't like spending time with their families. They don't go out with their parents, they have no interest in family time. I thank God I don't have to force my kids to go out with me, I thank God I still have my kids with me.

They are my joy.

I can't believe I ate the whole thing!

2007-06-23T19:06:00.000-07:00

I completed another year of life this week, it is scary, really :)

Of course, we had TOC's all week. But that's ok because one team lost, the other won and then played their last game a couple of days ago. Next stop, All Stars, it never ends I tell ya!

Well, today my dad and his wife took me to my favorite restaurant, the Tijuana to celebrate my birthday. Mexican seafood, need I say more?

I wait for this for this day every 12 months. Today, my wait was over. Chris ordered posole, my dad got a bowl of 7 mares (translated: 7-seas, a bowl of soup made with 7 different types of seafood) and I got my long awaited "Camarones a la Diabla" (translated: Shrimp of the devil or shrimp from hell) OMGosh, the reason for it's name is because it's hot as "hell"! LOL

Before we began to eat I told my dad and Chris

>"Hold on, I have to do something before we eat.
>Chris said "Oh, right, we have to say grace"
>I said "Oh, yeah, well that too, but I have to take a picture before we start to eat!"

Well, Chris just about fell out of her chair laughing at me! I know, I know, I'm bad!

Anyone who knows me knows I love, LOVE hot hot hot food. I live for hot hot hot food. I long for....well, you get the picture. And if you don't "get the picture" here's one for ya!

They say a picture is worth a thousand words...this one doesn't say " water " enough!

Summertime!!!

2007-06-20T19:16:00.001-07:00

Yippie! And here my friends is the epitome of summer.

The Ultimate Gulp!!! Filled with ice, a couple of squirts of vanilla flavor and fill'er up with diet Pepsi. With my Ultimate Gulp by my side, I'll get all cozy with a good book on the shore of one of our lagoons or lakes and listen to the boys while they swim and play. I love summer :)

As of tomorrow, summer is officially ON!

Whew...part deux

2007-06-15T20:47:00.000-07:00

My Will,

Ready or not....he's on his way!

These past couple of days have been extremely crazy!

The heat was a huge problem for us. BW had a hard time at Andrew's ceremony and an even worse time at Willy's. My dad had to take him home before he got out to mingle with the family, so no pics of dad or Welo with the grad, but we'll go out this weekend and play "photo shoot".

No time to get all choked up at the ceremony, I was too busy making sure Big Willy didn't pass out, but I've had enough crying time and I know this summer I'll continue, till the big "going away" day.

I can't wait till next week, countdown to summertime for me 4 more work days!!!

Whew

2007-06-15T20:29:00.001-07:00

Congratulations Andrew!

Now officially done with middle school and into high school, where it all counts!

My Andrew has amazed me these last couple of years. He's gone through some very serious health conditions, two surgeries, over a year on steroids for a very threatening immune disease, and still on a low dose chemotherapy agent for this same disease.

Yet, he didn't stop. He didn't complain, never tried to get out of doing work. He went through several months where he could barely see, yet he continued as if nothing were wrong. His father's child, this one is. He has a strength and faith so strong, it's amazing for me to see.

His hearing is holding up, no changes so far, this is good! Although he's still on the chemo injections once a week, his rheumatologyst says he may be able to go to the pill form of the same RX within the next few months - less side effects!

He's done awesome this year in baseball, this kid may be big, but he can move! He's ready for High School, ready to play football, wrestle and play baseball.....I'm not sure if I'm ready!

My Andrew..............the tough one :)

Eeek! The time has come :)

2007-06-11T07:15:00.000-07:00

Crazy crazy week ahead.

2 TOC games today, one in Union City one in SLZ
MAYBE 2 TOC games tomorrow ( I don't have the brackets) I have no idea when the other games are gonna be
Baseball Game on Wed but they're not going because...
8th grade promotion on Wed.
H.S. Graduation on Thurs. (I have a feeling there's another game this day)
Pictures to edit
Clothes to buy
Haircuts to get
Last day of school on Thurs - not for me :(
Pictures to scrap
Class to create

I'm sure there's more but I've got to get my butt to work!

Lost in the chaos?

2007-06-02T10:19:00.000-07:00

My 2nd born, the middle child for a while. My driven, outspoken, opinionated, kindhearted, protective son. Can't stand to see injustice and will not tolerate it any way or form whatsoever.

This kid is a TRUCK, strong as an ox he is, but wouldn't hurt a soul. He towers over me and calls me "shorty", in a loving sort-of way.

He's not lost in the chaos, in fact he's blossomed so much this year and is so driven academically. He'll be attending a course at U.C. Berkeley this summer, what is he taking? 1st year Japanese. There's so much depth to this child, he amazes me constantly. Wise beyond his years, always has been, he just has this "sixth sense" about him.

Everyone knows I've been caught up with so much lately, and I was looking through my posts thinking hmmm, it might look like I'm neglecting someone. With LW going off to college, BW being so sick, Drew and his issues (I'll post good news about his health later) and Alex...well, he's just so cute :) I thought I'd post about my body guard, who's been by my side, sensitive to my moods and rubs my head when it hurts, without me even asking!

This is my Benito.

The Breast Stroke

2007-06-01T07:56:00.000-07:00

Something I wrote a few weeks ago and didn't post. Felling ok now but just though someone might need to hear this:

I'm not an athlete. I love to watch and play baseball, I swim, but a competitive athlete, I am not.

One summer I was on a swim team. LOVED it, swimming is still a great love of mine. I don't even care how I look in a bathing suit, that's how much I love to swim. My strokes were freestyle and back.

One meet, our team had no one to compete in the breast stroke. So, I don't know why, they put me in to compete. I knew the stroke, but I wasn't at all competition level in it. I did it. Got through one lap and headed down the home stretch. By the time I took the turn, everyone was half a pool length ahead of me. I was so embarrassed, humiliated. I wanted to give up.

Not only was I humiliated, my muscles began to burn. I was in pain. I was weak. I didn't think I could make it. I was in the shallows, I knew I could stand, I wanted to give up. Half way down the pool, and the race was over, well at least for the other swimmers. I was the only one left.

All the while, I was angry. Angry at my coach for making me compete in a stroke I had never worked at. Angry at myself for doing it, and, humiliated. Humiliated because everyone was looking at me. By this time my stroke was sloppy, not that it was anything fancy to begin with. My legs and inner thighs were burning and trembling, it was difficult swimming in a straight line. I even thought about changing things up a bit and just finishing with the freestyle. But I began to look around and there were people shouting for me. As I tried to tune in the crowd I realized, they were cheering for me, ME. They didn't know my name or who I was, but they were encouraging me to finish. Encouraging me to go on and not give up.

It was surreal. But at that point, the anger subsided and the humiliation was being replaced by determination. I don't know how I made it those last few yards, but I pushed and I made it. I had to be helped out of the pool, my legs had no strength. The funny thing is the other swimmers kept coming up to me congratulating me on my race. HA! It wasn't a race...silly people, didn't they realize?

I don't know what made me remember and share this story. Maybe it's because I feel like my life is a swim meet, I'm half way down the pool right now and I've seen the other swimmers finish their race. All I can see ahead is more water, and all I can feel is humiliation, pain, fatigue and even anger *especially* anger. The pain I understand, even the anger. The humiliation, I have no idea where that's coming from. The fatigue....well, I guess I don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that one out.

At least I know I can look to the sides of my pool and see those around me yelling at me to finish and not to give up. When I get to the end, will you help me out of the water-'cause I'm gonna be messed up!

Oh BTW I failed to mention, the Breaststroke is now one of my strongest and most favorite strokes :)

I love this guy :)

2007-05-27T22:09:00.000-07:00

Things are coming along. I'm so proud of Willy for his determination and drive. He's been attending the boys' baseball games and is so happy to be alive!

It's amazing to think that last year he wasn't even able to attend any games and for the past year he's been in a haze. We were watching Lost the other night and he told us he doesn't remember anything that's happened during the last couple of years on the show. He was so excited to see the season finale, but said he had no clue who the characters were or what their backgrounds were...Geeze, where has he been?

Yep, he'd checked out there for a while, but he's back!

He and the boys are out for the evening, bowling. Well, the boys are bowling at least :) But this is the first time in at least a year that he's been able to go out with the boys by himself and have fun. This is a very special night and I am so grateful to God for this.

Sigh...

2007-05-22T22:47:00.000-07:00

Arroyo made it to NCS. We played against De La Salle yesterday. Lost 11-4. I'm ok with that, they had a great season. Will's last season of High School Baseball, maybe baseball forever.

This picture was taken as the boys were headed to the bus, Will is #18....I'm kinda sad right now, mommy moment.

My perfectly imperfect family!

2007-05-14T22:00:00.000-07:00

Mother's day was nice. LW took me out to breakfast and Ben's taking me out to see Shrek 3 this weekend. I asked for the same thing I ask for every year, a photo shoot with everyone. I really wanted a "serious" photo shoot, but really that's too much for me to ask!

That's ok though, there's nothing serious about my boys, except for LW maybe, but other than him, they're all NUTS! I decided I wanted photos with each of my boys, yep, I hate the way I look and the wind was crazy, hence the wild hair but really, I don't have many pictures of me and my boys together so, however I look and however the pictures turned out, here they are. I still have to get a photo of all of us together. My camera was too heavy for Big Willy to hold still, plus he's blind as a bat! LOL LW took the ones of me and the boys and Ben took the ones of me & LW.

So here we are in all our sillyness, crazy hair and bubbling bellies :)

When?

2007-05-08T19:36:00.000-07:00

When did it happen? Where have the years gone? It seems like only yesterday, I was this young, scared new mom holding this precious amazing baby in my arms. This gentle, quiet babe who laid so still taking in everything around him. When did he transform?

When did he grow up? When did he grow from this?: to this?:My baby is a man now. Yeah, some may say just because he's 18 doesn't automatically make him a man. I would agree somewhat, but his selective service registration card is sitting right in front of me and I have to face the fact that he is indeed a man, no matter what I think.

He'll be leaving home soon, on a venture that will take him a couple thousand miles away from me. My baby, who I hated to let spend the night away from home, my baby who I hated to leave at the baby sitters, my baby who I've tried to protect and shield all his life. My baby, who is now a man. When?

He won't be home on his birthday next year, I know I shouldn't think about it. But I was there when he was born. I felt the pain as he passed from his confined but safe, warm and secure world, into this big, cold and sometimes unforgiving life. I can't imagine being without him to celebrate on a day that brought so much wonderful change and joy into my life.

So, all I can do is celebrate and cherish what I have now and not worry about tomorrow. But still, yesterday, he was a boy and today, he is a man. When?

Congrats Rene!

2007-04-23T21:15:00.000-07:00

And to Mr. Rene, of course! LOL

May I say she was absolutely GORGEOUS! Everything was perfect and I had a blast with my girlfriends. Here are a couple of pics of the gorgeous bride and her scrappin buddies... Lisa and me :) Thanks to Grace, I got to be in some of the pictures, a rarity for me since I'm usually on the other side of the lens.

Have fun on the honeymoon...make sure to take lots and lots of pictures!

Awesome scrappin material for our group, a couple of weddings and a new baby! We'll not run out of scrappin subjects any time soon!

We're back!

2007-04-21T09:26:00.000-07:00

Woah, kinda hard to recover from all that!

Got back Sunday night, then went to work on Monday and haven't stopped yet.

Well, the decision had been made, class schedule worked out and dorm room assignment is in the works!

Loved Lee University, in fact if you're an American Idol Fan, Phil Stacey is a Lee Alum, so it's not *that* obscure :)

Here are some pics from our visit. I've got LOTS more, yes really I do...unbelievable huh? LOL

But I'm in a rush and need to get my butt out there and shoot shoot shoot some more today.

Enjoy!

Here's Will in front of one of the many buildings on campus, don't ask...I don't remember which department this is! LOL

Here's Will, after his mom MADE him pose in this Gazebo.

These two pictures are of the student Union, everything is so beautiful at night, all the buildings are lit. This building has a bell tower that chimes....every 15 minutes. I'm sure he's going to love this when he's on campus, sleeping in the dorms! At least he won't have an excuse for being late to class!

Got lots more pics of lots more buildings inside and out but will be a while before I can get those up! See y'all later :)

Random feelings....

2007-04-08T22:38:00.000-07:00

Today was tough. Really tough.

But on the positive side, our tickets are in-hand, car is rented and bags are *getting* packed!

Little Willy and I are on our way to Tennessee for Lee Day! We're going to check out the campus he's most likely going to attend in the fall, he needs to make his final decision and submit his letter of intent by the end of this month.

I'll be taking LOTS of pictures and trying to hold myself together.

It's a good thing and I'm so proud of my son but sometimes I wish he hadn't grown up so fast.

I remember so vividly one day when he was about 5 years old. I was talking to him about starting school and telling him there would be times that mommy and daddy couldn't be with him. But to remember that God was always there with him. When he went to school, and when he grew up and got a job and then when he got married that God would always be with him even if I wasn't there. God never fails and God never changes and he is always present.

Well, he looked up at me with these big tears in his eyes and said "mommy, I never want to leave you. I'm never getting a job because I always want to be near you" OMGosh, it was the sweetest thing ever. But I told him that even though he felt like that right then, that one day he would feel differently. And when he did feel differently to "never forget God"

I think back to that day and I somehow feel, there's still that little boy in him not wanting to leave me and his family. Actually, contrary to what I've been thinking all along, it's *me* that needs to be reminded that no matter where my kids are or where my husband is "God is ever present, with me".

I think I've spent so much time giving and giving, helping, working and working, caring and praying for others, trying to keep everyone together and trying to keep some sort of normalcy in my children's lives, that I've exhausted every part of my being. It's time to stop for a moment and remember God....for myself. He is my strength, my portion, my rock, my fortress my strongtower, my refuge, my comfort and the rest for my soul.

Going away will be good, we have a week together and I'm sure there will be lots of talking about the future.... and the past. Time to begin a new stage in our relationship as mother and son....time to begin to let go and let him fly.

Slowly but surely

2007-03-25T09:58:00.000-07:00

It's been a LONG month. I can't even begin to tell you how busy and how tired I am. All the running around is making me crazy. But somehow I manage to get up everyday and get the boys and myself to school on time. That in itself is a miracle.

Ok, we've had cereal for dinner a few times as well as eggs and top ramen...but I've also managed to cook some meals in between taking two kids to practice at different fields then watching and shooting another's game at a different field and taking another to work and then picking up the other two after practice. Oh yeah trying to shoot spring sports at the H.S. too. See where I'm coming from?

All the while Willy has been very weak and not able to drive...hence my craziness.

It's amazing that he can go from "Stroke" causing high blood pressure with 5 medications to treat it to "Dizzy & fainting" low blood pressure off all meds in a matter of weeks. Dialysis is still REALLY tough. There seems to be no middle ground from him, treatment is either REALLY bad or really good, unfortunately he's had only 2 really good treatments in the last 3 weeks.

He left the house for something other than treatment for the first time this week. He wanted so bad to see Alex's scrimmage game, he made it to the park but just couldn't sit out there the entire time, he was exhausted. Then he just HAD to see the boys in their Opening Day Ceremony for baseball. Poor guy stayed in the car and watched but it was really good for him to get out.

I think it's frustrating him, the fact that it seems like his life is revolving around his treatments. His entire day is gone by the time he gets home during the week and he's starting to get frustrated with the Saturday treatments now, knowing what the boys' baseball schedules are.

It's hard. Hard to watch. Hard to cope. Hard to do everything....well maybe not everything.

Willy made dinner for us last night and he made breakfast for us this morning too!

So, in all of this he still realizes how stressed I am and is trying to relieve some of the pressure by doing the things I feel is important but just can't get to. So slowly but surely things are returning to normal :)

Amazing love

2007-03-04T18:24:00.000-08:00

Through all of Willy's illness, I think Alex has been the most affected. Sure, it hasn't been easy for me, at all, but my coping skills have been well exercised and had time to mature.

This poor child has seen his father at his weakest point and it scared him to no end.

As a parent you try your best to shield your children from the terrors and fears of the big bad outside world, but what do you do when that terror and fear invades your own home? When it can't be hidden and your children can't be protected from it?

You face it, head on. With prayer and faith, together. Knowing, believing, that no matter what you have to deal with, you will get through.

So through all of this, we've been extremely open with the boys. I mean it's not like we can hide the fact that dad was critically ill and needed drastic attention.

One night while Willy was in the hospital, I found Alex in my room, under Willy's covers. Just laying there where dad sleeps, it broke my heart to see him there, hoping, wishing that dad was ok, he'd been so sick the past several months.

It is so amazing to see these two together. Lex is our miracle baby and totally "father's boy" (yes, I have no idea why but he calls him "father" lol) These two have been inseparable since Lex was born, dad has been home with him and cared for him all these years.

These pictures were taken in the hospital when Willy first went on dialysis. Alex was so glad to see him up and alert after being so sick for so long.

Technology is amazing

2007-02-26T16:50:00.000-08:00

Sitting in a hospital waiting room, drinking complimentary starbucks coffee, surfing the internet, posting to my blog.

*Almost* makes waiting in a hospital a rather pleasant experience. Geesh, my poor honey is in the next room being dialyzed-not much room for visitors so I just pop in every now and then to say hi and then dismiss myself to work on cards or play on the computer.

Ah, my poor poor life. Better go now, my coffee needs a little warm-up.

Haven't updated in a while

2007-02-24T20:19:00.000-08:00

So here goes. It might not make any sense but I''l explain later.

FAFSA filled out....scholarship apps still going.
Business license finally came in the mail -picture to come :)
9 different baseball practices a week
Plane tix bought. Checkin out Tennessee in April
Hospital bags packed. Feeling Apprehensive
Baseball stuff still not bought
Willy made Varsity team
Long week ahead
Praying Ben makes it into UC Berkeley Summer Program, waiting for his application approval
2 days in a row close call at treatment. *almost* called 911
Crazy times, crazy life but I must say:

My husband is the most amazing man in the world. If I had to personally deal with a fraction of what he's dealing with I'd have given up a very long time ago. Never hearing him complain or say a negative word gives me the strength to go forward and face each day with a new strength. I love him so very much and it kills me to see him suffer.

Yet, as you can see, life does not stop around us just because we are suffering. So we continue to live life the best we can and we continue to stand. We stand because we have not reached our goal and we have not finished our race. We stand because we can. And when we grow weary we lean on each other. That's what love is all about.

Talk about being emotional........

2007-02-06T20:40:00.000-08:00

Well, even with all that's going on there are still so many things to look forward to. Even though just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes and a stabbing pain in my heart.

This came in the mail and just so you know, I held onto it for over three hours until he could open it himself. Granted I made him open it in the car when I picked him up from tryouts...but he opened it nonetheless :)

Yes, it's his second acceptance letter. Batting 1000 as he's gotten into both Universities he's applied to.

Tennessee

Oh, my gosh. Tennessee.

Well, the next step is a couple of plane tix to check out the campus, so if any of you know of any good deals out there let me know!

My fear of sunsets

2007-01-26T07:37:00.000-08:00

I know it sounds silly. Last month we've had some amazing sunsets, this bright orange ball of fire spewing off rays of orange, pink and violet across the horizon as it sets. It's been a trying and stress-filled month, seeing those sunsets tugged at my gut quite a bit.

Seems every sunset I've faced lately leaves me with a gripping fear and haunting question, "will it rise again tomorrow?"

I've been through a lot the past few months, well, when I think of it, the past few years. Willy's failing health has weighed greatly on my mind and physical well being. There have been some really dim days and dark, dark nights. The past couple of weeks being the most difficult.

What are you supposed to do when eyes that once looked at you with desire and joy hold a vacant stare when opened? A voice that once boomed with a thrilling bass and jovial laugh, is now a weakened murmur groaning with pain? Strong, warm hands that used to hold, comfort and protect grow shaky and tremble with weakness. This is where I've been for a while, where HE has been. It's been tough. It is tough. Yet we manage, by the grace of God to get through.

Thank God after a stay at Stanford, Willy's home and being treated. It's amazing, when you get a grasp of how the human body is made, to see the effects of what happens when it's not working properly. And even more amazing is seeing the wisdom God has given man to help the body when it's not working.

Willy eye's haven't held this much light in months, he's laughed and smiled more this week than he has in several months. His voice, strong. Still not as strong as I've known it to be but I'll settle for now.

We have a long haul ahead of us, the rest of our lives will be difficult. Yet, we press on and make the best of what we have. 'Cause we all know, "life for me ain't been no crystal stair".

My butt is kicked!

2007-01-21T16:17:00.000-08:00

Oh man, the WORST feeling in the world is being helpless. That's exactly how I felt for the most part of this weekend.

With Willy laid up and out of commission, I got sick. SICK SICK SICK! I haven't been this sick in YEARS.

Thank God I'm feeling better, still sore around my middle but at least I can function.

I do have to say I have the best boys. They jumped in and did their chores, kept things quite, walked to the store for what we needed. Cared for each other, me & their father. My Drew made me jello :) and the others did what they needed. You know I don't think I heard them argue once...but I *was* kinda out of it LOL If only they drove, it wouldn't have been so bad.

The Rock

2007-01-14T11:42:00.000-08:00

He that dwells in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.

Thought I'd come out from underneath my rock and post.

I've been so sick for the past week. Allergies and sinus problems kicked my butt! *Had* to go do work everyday, you know how that is, but I've got a three day weekend to get caught up.

Went out in search of rocks to photograph on Friday. Since I couldn't *ACTUALLY* crawl under one and sit for while. So I've been staring at this photograph I took of some stupid rocks for days, wishing I could jump into the picture.

But what would I do when I got there? Worms are nasty, I hate spiders. And quite frankly I just HATE getting dirty, eeww. So, I get off my butt, and look to THE Rock. And of course I start singing:

Where do I go? 
When there's nobody else to turn to 
Who do I talk to? 
When nobody wants to listen 
Who do I lean on? 
When there is no foundation stable 
I go to the rock 
I know He is able, I go to the rock 

I go to the rock of my salvation 
I go to the stone that the builders rejected 
I run to the mountain 
And the mountain stands by me 
When the Earth all around me is sinking sand 
On Christ the solid rock I stand 
When I need a shelter I go to the rock 

Where do I go, 
When the storms of life are threatening? 
Who do I turn to when these winds of sorrow blow? 
And is there a refuge in the time of tribulation 
Go to the rock, I know he is able 
I go to the rock 


It's gonna be a tough week for me, I'd appreciate any prayers you can lend
...I'll pay them back I promise :)

Fun fun fun!

2007-01-03T21:48:00.000-08:00

The boys and I went to the Exploratorium today and had so much fun! I actually think this is the most fun we've had there, ever!

It sure does help when your kids are older and can understand the exhibits, read the instructions and "grasp" the concepts. Actually, they made me feel a bit out of the loop, because they been studying a lot of this stuff in school.

It was nice to get out and do something. I took over 100 pictures, would have taken more but only had 1 memory card with me. I'll post most of the pics to my photo site, in my "family time" gallery, in a new album.

But in the meantime here's one of ME! (and Andrew peeking behind me)

I took a step of faith today :)

2007-01-02T19:53:00.000-08:00

Just in case you're wondering, I'm participating in a "2007 Photo a Day challenge" so I'll try to get my blog entries posted as well as my photos. I'm sure I won't be doing one a day...maybe one per week but if you're interested those entries can be found on my photography site 2007 Photo a Day Challenge.

So, with that, I bring up my topic of todays blogging.......

I did it! I went down and applied for my licenses. I'm going to take it one day at a time, but I also want to be prepared for when this thing blows wide open :)

I have to give a HUGE "thank you" to my wonderful friends. Lara, Lisa S., Rene, Annie (where are your pictures girl?) Lisa H. and my photography inspiration Grace. Without your encouragement, friendship, hand holding, inspiration, candor, attentive ears, laughs and many many silly hours, I'd be a mess. I certainly wouldn't have had the confidence to do this if it weren't for you, my friends.

Seriously ladies, you have no idea what you contribute to my life. You all know 2007 is a year of changes for me, but I trust that we will all be constants for eachother.

Ultimately God is the one who gives, but he uses people like you, kind, caring, and very very silly to help people like me along the way.

I love you ladies so much. A million thanks to you!

Happy New Year!

2007-01-01T09:38:00.000-08:00

It's here. Ready or not. A year of changes this will be. I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm excited . I'm scared.

I'll take it a day at a time. I know it's gonna be rough. An emotional year.

Did I mention I was scared?

It doesn't get much better than this!

2006-12-29T21:20:00.000-08:00

What more can a gal ask for? 40lbs of Masa along with a ton of meat, chilies for mole, 4 sets of helping hands and two nights filled with fun, laughter and memories.

I can't say that my back feels great, but I sure feel great inside. No TV, just the radio blasting our favorite Salsa and Latin Jazz stations, Alex making us all laugh, the merging of auromas from the various ingredients filling the house and fogging up all the windows.

I posted this first picture on my two peas website and someone commented on how wonderful it was, this simple yet complex photo. I totally feel this is how my life is. Look at us from the outside and we might just be considered a "simple" family. No frills, NOTHING fancy about us or our home. No definite style to speak of, just simplicity. Basic. Plain. Yet, if you take a closer look into those fogged up, undressed, windows, you'd see something much more complex, integrated and rooted in our lives.

It's not confusion or chaos. Although sometimes I tend to think things are a bit crazy around here. It's intricate. The conversations that go on. The laughter. The stories. The relationships. We all tie in together, neatly, tightly woven. What we have goes deep, strong, grounded.

I tell my family all the time, we may not have much that we can touch, consume and spend. The tangible, for us, is sometimes just out of reach. But what matters are the things that can't be touched with the hands but can touch others' hearts. That which is not consumed, but is given and those things that can be spent over and over again with never running out.

Come on, how many families have their own made up language called "screamenese"? How many teenage boys will spend a non school day & night helping their mother make a meal? How many mothers take 19 hours out of her days to make a special dinner for her family?

They know and sense my moods, I know theirs. We all fear. We all love. We all wonder. We all laugh. We all pray. We all know we are here for each other. I am surrounded by wonderful, amazing, crazy, silly, intelligent, thoughtful and caring young men.

That's the Olivera pot on the stove.....it doesn't get much better than this.

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-25T13:09:00.000-08:00

May you have a wonderful, beautiful peaceful Christmas!

Busy busy busy!

2006-12-14T21:37:00.000-08:00

I've been so busy shooting the past couple of weeks.

We just got back from Andrew's winter concert, where he's played violin for the 4th year in a row. The orchestra is amazing and for the FIRST time I was able to get some really decent shots! I really do hate teasing you all like this but :*( I can't post most of them, you'll have to take my word for it! BUT I did get one of the teacher, who's face is covered LOL.

I can however, show you pictures of Rudy the wonder wiener dog! If you want to take a gander over to my photo gallery feel free, My Photo gallery . Rudy the wonder wiener dog's photo session is up, but here are a couple of teasers for you :)

Isn't he just the CUTEST?? My gosh this doggy was a maniac, but he is just the most adorable puppy I've seen. Look at that nose, and those eyes! Mommy was very happy with her pictures :)

What a wonderful weekend!

2006-12-03T21:07:00.000-08:00

Oh, what a wonderful weekend. Filled with scrapping, reading, laughing, walking and taking pictures! Oh lets not forget all the eating, exactly what *I* wanted to eat!

Thanks Lara for an awesome weekend! Here are just a couple of pictures of our fantastic days.

I'll explain the story behind the images later this week....stay tuned :)

Here comes Santa Claus

2006-11-26T08:30:00.000-08:00

Was out with my buddies Lara and Lisa whe we saw SANTA! Of course me being the big kid that I am got all excited and grabbed my camera! LOL Lara is such a wonderful person that she went passed our turn and followed the man in the red suit....Just for me :)

We all got a kick out of this!

The things you see around here! Just a friendly reminder that Christmas is less than a month away I guess :)

This guy cracks me up!

2006-11-25T08:55:00.000-08:00

Today's blog entry, courtesy of Pascual....my daddy :)

Now you must read and think this in a heavy Spanish accent.

This guy wanted to buy a burro, but he didn't have a lot of money. He went to the man who had the burros for sale and told the man how much money he had.

"Well, señor, the only burro you can afford on my farm is dis one, but he no look too good"

"Oh! Gra-cee-ass my friend he looks just fine to me! I'll take him"

"Ok, señor, if ju really wan him, you can hab him, but he no look too good"

"He's a little ugly, but I'll take him anyway"

Well, the guy packed his burro and went on his way to the mounts. A few weeks later the guy goes back to the Burro farm to talk to the owner.

"Hola Señor, what are you doing back so soon?"

"Hey, I'm really mad at you! I was climbing with my burro, when all of a sudden he just walked striaght off a cliff! Just what kind of burro did you sell me????"

"Señor, I tol ju, he no look too good!!"

I love a Parade!

2006-11-23T23:42:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving all!

Well, I'm cooking tonight for our Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow, Friday. I thought it was just going to be my dad and his wife, now it's turned into about 8 additional adults and 6 more children! Oh well, Lord knows I have enough food to feed an army. Just have to tell the boys to exhibit a little self control :)

This morning, Alex and I watched the parade. Well, mostly me, he was sitting most of the time playing his game. I'm such a goober and my boys tell me ALL the time.

I'm participating in a Photography challenge, originally found on Flickr but is now posted on the 2peas Photography Board as well. As I was jumping around shouting at the top of my lungs for my children to get their butts out of bed and join me in watching the parade. I realized, I was "gleeful". Well, 'glee' is one of the items on my hunt! So I set up the tripod and made Ben take pics of us with the remote while we watched.

He got us while I was screaming about something, and Alex trying to stifle my gleefulness LOL

Here are some shots, and outtakes of our morning. Yes, that's me in a picture! Amazing isn't it???

La vida Boricua

2006-11-21T05:09:00.000-08:00

Life as & with a Puerto Rican. Gotta love the parties!

It doesn't matter who you are or where you came from, if you're there, your family.

Be prepared to say hello, introduce yourself and give every woman a hug and a kiss, and every man a handshake....well, a hug and kiss too, if he's family. Scratch that, everyone gets a hug becuase they just might be family!

Give yourself LOTS of time before you need to leave the party to say goodbye....takes half an hour to say hello to everyone, takes at least 1.5 hrs to say goodbye.

You must eat, period. You will WANT to eat.

Don't worry if you don't understand Spanish, just nod your head and agree with whoever is talking to you. Hey, I speak Spanish and can't understand what half these folks are saying!!! My HUSBAND speaks Spanish and grew up with the dialect....he still can't understand his family!

Pork is a way of life, as is rice, beans, chicken...FOOD is a way of life, lots and lots of food.

Kids of all ages are welcomed, and WILL be there....lots and lots of kids.

These pictures are from two seperate parties. But it depicts the essence of what my kids have come to know as standard for a party. Birthday Party, Baby Shower, Anniversary, Graduation, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Easter, Funerals, Weddings, Tio's back in town, Sunday dinner....ANY type of party! This is La vida Boricua