Boards torn up: The most difficult I have ever done in my life

Hearing the news that my brother had died broke me. Shattered me into a thousand little pieces. Performing his funeral was the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. Walking up to that podium was the longest walk of my life. Standing there looking out at the audience to preach this message was almost paralyzing.

I never type out my sermons word for word; I usually have just an outline, but I wasn't sure if I could think that night, so I wrote most of it out. Here are the notes of what I spoke that night.

Prayer:

Hear our cries, O God; attend unto our every prayer. From the end of the earth will We cry unto thee, when our heart is overwhelmed: lead us to the rock that is higher than our own selves (Psalms 61:1, 2 KJV)

We are all flawed

We live in a "Facebook" world. Where the majority put up a front and live by the pretense that everything is perfect. Our posts reflect only the image we want others to see, creating a false sense of reality.

I'm here to be real today. Real, because we are hurting, confused, sad and real is what we need right now. Shoving reality aside and hiding from it only creates inevitable problems for our future.

As most of you know, Tony was my brother. My only brother. We shared our lives together. Joys, pains. Sadness and sorrow. A lot of which was created by choices he made...most of which were choices he couldn't control in his own strength.

To say that "we all have our flaws", is in fact a gross understatement. We are all, in fact FLAWED. The molds we are born from are broken. We all share that same broken piece, and is a crucial connector in our lives.

We are flawed.

The problem is that as we go through life, our flaw leads to more flaws. Some of us become so flawed that it seems impossible to to ever lead any sort of normal life. Normal?? What is normal, after all?

We are all flawed.

My dad was born and raised in Mexico. As a young child he had to go out to work help support his family. An education wasn't attainable for him. Searching for a better life for his family, he came to the United States. He met our mother, a young woman with two small children, and fell in love. He cared for us and loved us as his own...That's not normal. We would take trips every couple of years and drive to Mexico to visit our dad's family. We were not a rich family, but my dad had more than he ever wanted and was proud of his children. Proud to feed and clothe us. Proud to have his children in school not having to toil in fields to help our family.

One year, as Tony was making that terrible transition from "tween to teen" we went to Mexico. We would drive for a couple of days to get to our destination. One day as we stopped to get gas at a Petrol station we all got out of the car to use the restroom. As we are pulling out my brother comments on how the attends kept staring weirdly at him. My dad then began to tell him the conversation that he had with the attendant. You see, my brother was towards the end of that transition from nerdy, enthusiastic GATE student to becoming the cool cholo'd out "Big Bopper". He had on plain white tee shirt and baggy pants (that seemed too big, like we couldn't afford to get him pants that fit) he wore this one glove on his hand, with the fingers cut off and a piece of pantyhose on his head (his pompadour was "in training").

Dad said that the guy asked him what was wrong with his son. My dad wasn't sure what he meant so the guy points to Tony's hand and then to his head with the stocking on it. Without skipping a beat my dad says "pues solamente tiene un guante porque esta muy quemado en la mano, tanto que se vea la carne todo machacado. Y en la cabeza, pues tiene piojos y aci es como los matamos en el Norte." which translates to: "well he only wears a glove on one hand because he's severely burned and the flesh is all messed up. And see, he wears that thing on his head because he has lice, and that's how we kill lice up North."

My brother was so embarrassed that we didn't see the glove or the nylon on his head for the rest of the trip. He couldn't believe my dad said that!

You see, Sometimes our loved ones are not exactly what we want them to be, they are not what WE expect them to be. We see them going deeper and deeper into a path that we know isn't right for them...but it's a choice, until the flaws pile and a life becomes broken and they have no idea how to live a normal life. What is normal? We're ashamed. We make excuses as to why they do the things they do. Reality is we can't do anything about it. We can't change each other. We can't change them. We can't make them live up to our expectations....that then builds up and becomes ONE of OUR flaws --building on top of the other flaw.

We are all flawed.

At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground. At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” “No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” (John 8:2-11 NIV)

Finding a recent memory of Tony (within the last 30 years) that isn't tainted or shadowed with a negative is a little difficult. There are not many to choose from. My mind got clouded.

I stood as Tony's judge so many years ago. He was caught in the act and I thought I had a right to condemn him. But then The Lord dealt with me. I wasn't without my own sin...so I dropped the rock and walked away. It's not until we are alone with the Savior to deal with the flaw within us that we can truly be set free. “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” “No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” (John 8:2-11 NIV)

We are all flawed. But we must forgive one another.

Forgiveness

I walked away. I wasn't being mean or cold hearted, but to stay would have killed us both and our families. I was thinking the other day about our relationship and why I had to be so drastic in my dealing with him. The thing is Tony was an AMAZING talker. He was captivating. He had a way with words and a charm that would draw you in and have you hinging on every word. I have two sons just like that and it scares the mess out of me! He could talk me into letting him stay with us after I refused. Shoot he could talk others into talking me into letting him stay with me....got my husband several times :). The next thing you know, he's living with me and then, all my stuff is gone! Oh I got stories!

I used to be riddled with bad memories. I couldn't tear the good apart from the bad. I can stand here today and tell the stories, good and bad, and it doesn't tear me up inside. I can speak without hurt, without bitterness. I was thinking about these stories and actually sharing some the other day. We laughed and laughed. Then I stopped and realized I was laughing. Realized I had been able to laugh about this for several years now. Not cry. Nor be angry. Or bitter. I dropped my stone and walked away years ago. I forgave him. I forgive him.

We all have choices in this life. The choice to do the right thing AND we have to choose how we react to those who have not made the same choices we have made. We can't change others but through Jesus we can change ourselves. We need to drop the rock and walk away. Forgive.

Sometimes, and especially for addicts, the most difficult thing to do is forgive yourself. I believe Jesus addressed this in the story we just read when he said:“Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” “No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” (John 8:2-11 NIV). The one person, the Perfect savior of the world, who could condemn us, tells us that he doesn't condemn us, to go and sin no more.

Hope- there is hope

The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; (Psalm 103:8-13 NIV)

The woman was left all by herself with Jesus. There comes a time in our life when we will find ourselves alone. The only one who was there defending her was Jesus. But that's all we need. He is all we need. Go and leave your life of sin. A fresh start. A new beginning. That's what Christ offers to us all.

If you have an addiction that tears at you.

If you hold unforgiveness in your heart

If you are hurting

To support this family, to have victory in your life...forgive.

Whether Tony's life directly affected you or if you have a "Tony" in your life. Maybe you were like me, ready to judge and condemn - go for it...IF you're free from sin yourself. Maybe you're like Tony, if you are, then ask the Lord for forgiveness and then forgive yourself .

Jesus is here

Speaking to your accusers

They are gone

He speaks to us

He has forgiven you

forgive yourself and leave your life of sin

All of us...We are All flawed.

The church was packed with those who loved Tony. It was a blessing to see he impacted so many.

July, 2013 - Tony and Sandy came to hear me preach at The Vine. This was the last time I saw him, but I know that the Word of God touched his life. I know he was proud of me.