I Am a Curse Breaker
Originally posted as a FB note on April 8, 2012
I am a curse breaker
27 years ago today my world was shattered. 27 years ago today my mother died after many years of being sick, she was 42. I've lived the past 27 years haunted. Haunted, not so much by her death but by her life. The life of hurt, turmoil, pain and sickness that she led; the hard life of a hard woman.
For years I've lived with a torment that my strong personality would end up beaten up, disgraced and wasted with disease just as hers was. For years I've been tortured with the thought of a horrible and early death, leaving my children helpless and without my guidance for the rest of their lives.
I’m not the only one who deals with fears like this. I know that just as everyone of us has unspoken dreams that remain silent because we've been taught to keep them inside or they won’t come true, we also have fears that we don’t speak of because they WILL come true. We all have deep dark secrets that we keep bottled up inside. We don’t speak them to anyone, our closest friend or even our spouse. We don’t even dare tell our Creator. But He already knows our innermost fears and wants us to trust Him with them. Oh how truly backwards we are.
Yet, here I am. I have waited until this day to speak my fear publicly because of this superstition, this unwritten code. I've waited to speak my fear until I was sure that I crossed the “safe” marker. But I thank God that I was able to speak this fear to him because it’s through His strength and wisdom that I found the words to speak today.
I've worked hard this past year to break the fear, the torment, and the accusatory voices in the back of my head that tell me my future is cursed and is destined to mirror that of my mother. I've learned to conquer the fear that haunts me. The fear that reminds me at every turn that I must tell my boys everything I deem important while I have the chance because I’m cursed to be sick. I am working hard to better myself with an education. I am stifling the voice that torments and says: “You will never be successful because you are nothing but an uneducated Chicana cursed to a life of poverty and want”. I have broken the curse of sickness that my life was once destined to live and have taken charge of my own destiny – to follow the path that God has for me.
It’s not an easy road I've walked, nor is the road ahead easy. There are scars, blisters, calluses, heart aches, loneliness and a sea of tears so deep I could swim for miles and miles without seeing a speck of promised land. But there is no more fear or torment. I don’t listen to the accusations anymore and bitterness is nowhere to be found. I have joy and peace. I can say with true conviction that I am working on becoming a better me and the future that lies ahead of me is amazing. I am positioning myself to receive good things – not just waiting for good things to happen.
27 years ago today my mother died after many years of being sick, she was 42.
I am 42. I am alive. I am a curse breaker. I am delivered. I am set free. I have a future.
For years I've lived with a torment that my strong personality would end up beaten up, disgraced and wasted with disease just as hers was. For years I've been tortured with the thought of a horrible and early death, leaving my children helpless and without my guidance for the rest of their lives.
I’m not the only one who deals with fears like this. I know that just as everyone of us has unspoken dreams that remain silent because we've been taught to keep them inside or they won’t come true, we also have fears that we don’t speak of because they WILL come true. We all have deep dark secrets that we keep bottled up inside. We don’t speak them to anyone, our closest friend or even our spouse. We don’t even dare tell our Creator. But He already knows our innermost fears and wants us to trust Him with them. Oh how truly backwards we are.
Yet, here I am. I have waited until this day to speak my fear publicly because of this superstition, this unwritten code. I've waited to speak my fear until I was sure that I crossed the “safe” marker. But I thank God that I was able to speak this fear to him because it’s through His strength and wisdom that I found the words to speak today.
I've worked hard this past year to break the fear, the torment, and the accusatory voices in the back of my head that tell me my future is cursed and is destined to mirror that of my mother. I've learned to conquer the fear that haunts me. The fear that reminds me at every turn that I must tell my boys everything I deem important while I have the chance because I’m cursed to be sick. I am working hard to better myself with an education. I am stifling the voice that torments and says: “You will never be successful because you are nothing but an uneducated Chicana cursed to a life of poverty and want”. I have broken the curse of sickness that my life was once destined to live and have taken charge of my own destiny – to follow the path that God has for me.
It’s not an easy road I've walked, nor is the road ahead easy. There are scars, blisters, calluses, heart aches, loneliness and a sea of tears so deep I could swim for miles and miles without seeing a speck of promised land. But there is no more fear or torment. I don’t listen to the accusations anymore and bitterness is nowhere to be found. I have joy and peace. I can say with true conviction that I am working on becoming a better me and the future that lies ahead of me is amazing. I am positioning myself to receive good things – not just waiting for good things to happen.
27 years ago today my mother died after many years of being sick, she was 42.
I am 42. I am alive. I am a curse breaker. I am delivered. I am set free. I have a future.
posted by Rebecca at 4:41 PM
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