God Changes the Entire Universe for Me

Originally posted as a FB note on March 10, 2011

God changes the entire universe for me

March 10, 2011 at 9:08pm

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I remember one time when I was a little girl, I couldn't have been more than five or six, driving with my mother on some unfamiliar road, in an unfamiliar town.  I was riding in the front seat, trying to hold a conversation while she was extremely disinterested and preoccupied.  She finally became extremely impatient with me and told me to be quite, she was trying to figure out where we were because we were lost.  I so vividly remember the panic that gripped my heart, the fear of being lost in a strange place, the look of frustration on my mother's face didn't help the situation.  Just then, a sudden solution hit me, "mom, I'm going to pray that we're not lost".  My mother, in her fashion, looked at me as if the horns she swore cursed my head of curls just grew several inches right before her eyes.  "No really mom, I'm going to pray and I know God will make us not lost".  Again, her faithless, irritated eyes darted at me in a look that said "just shut up Becky".

I quietly bowed my head and prayed to God that we not be lost.  I recall thinking to myself, "but what if we ARE lost?"  and my reply "well, if we are lost then God will move the streets around and we won't be lost anymore!  He will make our car be exactly where it is supposed to be."  We came out of that trip, exactly where we were supposed to be.  When my mother declared we were not lost anymore, I rejoiced in the fact that God heard my prayers.  I marveled that God would rearrange an entire city just because I prayed it so.  Of course, it was pointless to speak to my mother about my miracle, but from that point on I truly believed that God in his loving mercy would rearrange the universe for me if I so desperately need it.

Last week was a tough week.  I was reminded of God's miraculous provision in my life through my youngest child.  I saw the same faith, assurance and confidence in him that I believed so long ago.  In a sense, he prayed that God do some major rearranging in our lives in order to bring peace and comfort to our family and guess what?  God did.

I often think about the sting of my mother's look, the faithless gaze and the painful words.  But I look at my son and I speak life into his heart.  I speak encouragement.  Faith.  Hope.  I let him know this week that I share his faith and his prayers were answered.  Not only do we both believe that God will change the universe for us if we absolutely need it, we know He's done it a few times already!

I Am a Curse Breaker

Originally posted as a FB note on April 8, 2012

I am a curse breaker

April 8, 2012 at 8:20am

27 years ago today my world was shattered.  27 years ago today my mother died after many years of being sick, she was 42.  I've lived the past 27 years haunted.  Haunted, not so much by her death but by her life.  The life of hurt, turmoil, pain and sickness that she led; the hard life of a hard woman.

For years I've lived with a torment that my strong personality would end up beaten up, disgraced and wasted with disease just as hers was.  For years I've been tortured with the thought of a horrible and early death, leaving my children helpless and without my guidance for the rest of their lives.

I’m not the only one who deals with fears like this.  I know that just as everyone of us has unspoken dreams that remain silent because we've been taught to keep them inside or they won’t come true, we also have fears that we don’t speak of because they WILL come true.  We all have deep dark secrets that we keep bottled up inside.  We don’t speak them to anyone, our closest friend or even our spouse.  We don’t even dare tell our Creator.  But He already knows our innermost fears and wants us to trust Him with them.  Oh how truly backwards we are.

Yet, here I am.  I have waited until this day to speak my fear publicly because of this superstition, this unwritten code.  I've waited to speak my fear until I was sure that I crossed the “safe” marker.  But I thank God that I was able to speak this fear to him because it’s through His strength and wisdom that I found the words to speak today.

I've worked hard this past year to break the fear, the torment, and the accusatory voices in the back of my head that tell me my future is cursed and is destined to mirror that of my mother.  I've learned to conquer the fear that haunts me.  The fear that reminds me at every turn that I must tell my boys everything I deem important while I have the chance because I’m cursed to be sick.  I am working hard to better myself with an education. I am stifling the voice that torments and says:  “You will never be successful because you are nothing but an uneducated Chicana cursed to a life of poverty and want”.  I have broken the curse of sickness that my life was once destined to live and have taken charge of my own destiny – to follow the path that God has for me.

It’s not an easy road I've walked, nor is the road ahead easy.  There are scars, blisters, calluses, heart aches, loneliness and a sea of tears so deep I could swim for miles and miles without seeing a speck of promised land.  But there is no more fear or torment.  I don’t listen to the accusations anymore and bitterness is nowhere to be found.  I have joy and peace.  I can say with true conviction that I am working on becoming a better me and the future that lies ahead of me is amazing.  I am positioning myself to receive good things – not just waiting for good things to happen.

27 years ago today my mother died after many years of being sick, she was 42.

I am 42.  I am alive. I am a curse breaker.  I am delivered.  I am set free. I have a future.

Just Beyond that Mountain

Originally posted as a FB note on August 4, 2012

Just beyond that mountain

August 4, 2012 at 10:46pm

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Hiking in the dark today made me realize that traveling in darkness or with a hindered view isn't always a bad thing. The darkness helps to shield how far I have to go. It hides the steep inclines that I have yet to face. Throughout my life I've often asked God to reveal the entire path that I still have to take and I get frustrated when I don't or can't see the end result. But He knows that because of my nature, if I see how far I have left to go, I just might give up or be content with the now.

It's only when we come out of the darkness and see how far we've gotten that we appreciate how far we have left to go. We then continue our journey with great anticipation and appreciation. "We've come too far to turn back now." How many of us would have gotten this far if we could have seen how much further there was to travel?

My life has been a difficult journey. Honestly, if I had known how hard it would be I would have given up a long time ago. But God keeps me walking on the path with a light shining right in front of me. Through the mountains surrounding me, I get glimpses of beautiful scenery and splashes of color in the sky ahead. I stand still, look around and see the long difficult path I have just traveled. Just beyond the bend of the mountain in front of me I see my goal in sight.

I thank God that he is all knowing and He will never give us more than we can handle.

Father Forgive Them

Originally posted as a FB note on November 22, 2011

Father, forgive them

November 22, 2011 at 9:20am

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“Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”  As Jesus hung on the cross he uttered these words.  I believe these words to be the most powerful, the most educating and the greatest words to live by that have ever been uttered.  You don’t have to be someone who believes in Jesus as savior, personal friend, or prophet to realize what a powerful statement this is, for this matter he can be just another man who lived on this earth.

He was an innocent man, an honest man a man who cared for humanity as if each and every one was his own child, his brother or sister.  Jesus was a man who fed the poor, healed the sick, sat and ate with the dregs of society, the outcasts.  He loved the unloved, the lonely and paid attention to them.

By choice he was a vagabond himself with no place to lay his head.  He chose to be right in the middle of those who needed him most.  People would flock to him for whatever they needed.  Many would push and shove to receive healing, never to return to give thanks.  Families would sit around en masse waiting not just to hear what this man had to say but to see what they could receive from him or what he would be serving for lunch that day.

I can imagine how used Jesus felt.  But he loved these people.

And he hung there after being unjustly accused and inhumanely beaten, hanging next to thieves who mocked him.  All of his friends - those whom he loved and spent the last three years of his life sharing his most profound teachings, sharing thoughts and letting them see the person he truly was –scattered about nowhere to be seen.  He hung there, with his mother looking up at his naked, disfigured, unrecognizable and broken body.

“Father, forgive them for they know not what they do”.

Forgiveness at its purest form.  He could have left it at “forgive them” but he chose to add “for they know not what they do.”

If it were me, I would have said “Father, forgive them because they've beaten me and are killing me.  Father, forgive them for making my mother watch this horrific suffering that no mother should ever have to see.  Father forgive my friends because they've left me at the very point where I needed them most even after all we've shared, all I've done for them.  Father forgive these thieves for mocking me, I don’t deserve to be here and die next to them.  Father forgive the multitudes that sat back and let this happen, I shouldn't be here.  Father forgive them because I’m innocent all I wanted to do was help them!”

But Jesus in all his wisdom says “Forgive them for they know not what they do.”

We like to blend forgiveness with accusations or accusations with forgiveness.  But it doesn't work that way.  “He hurt me.  She knows better. They did this. My children are hurting ME!”  When the harsh reality is that most people who hurt us either don’t realize what they've done or have no idea to what extent that hurt has affected us.  We think they should know better but really, they don’t know what they are doing.

Forgiveness without accusations.  If anyone had the right to bring the list of accusations before God it would be Jesus.  But he didn’t.  He just forgave. These are thoughts that just came to me this morning, I must forgive like Jesus forgave, it makes ME a better person.

From Friday to Sunday; From the Cross to the Empty Tomb; From Hopelessness to Hope

Good Friday.

Oh this day!  It grips my heart and brings me to a place of complete humility before God.  My life has been all too familiar with grief and loss, yet I have always had hope. 

I try to imagine what it would have been like in that space between the cross and the empty tomb.  Three days of utter hopelessness.  Wishing. Hoping. Gut wrenching cries of loss and mourning.  The fatigue that comes with grief, headaches, nausea, and muscle aches.  The haunting memories of what your loved one suffered. Images flashing through the mind like scenes from a horror movie.  Most of all the guilt. The guilt of not being there, of not doing enough. Guilt of not fighting hard enough, "there must have been something else I could have done".  The pain of the reality that we were not enough to protect or save our loved one is unbearable.  What we wouldn't do now to trade places.

I'm sure the Disciples and those close to the Savior faced these, and greater feelings.

That place between the cross and the empty tomb is a place where many of us live.  We live in grief, sadness, hopelessness...utter darkness.  When we reach the point where we feel we can finally find some sort of comfort we come to find out that that ONE thing we sought after is gone. 

Seeing that the body of Jesus was gone, Mary begged the angels to return Him.  It was the one thing she looked forward to that would bring her comfort and it was gone.  She was so desperate and broken that she didn't recognize her Savior speaking to her.  Then He speaks her name and the miracle is revealed....hope breaks through!  A resurrected Savior once again tangible, the breath of life, speaking the name of a friend.

We have desperate nights and heavy days. We seek after things which cannot comfort us, but there is an end to our hopelessness, our darkness.  When we follow the cross to the empty tomb we will find our Savior waiting for us and ready to call out our name. An impossible dream come true.  Life. Hope. Light. Peace and joy.  

While seeking comfort in my time of sheer panic, grief, darkness and hopelessness, I've heard Him call my name and witnessed the light of Hope break through.  If you just listen, you will hear yours too.

Washed Away and Transformed

Originally posted as a FB note on August 16, 2012

Washed Away and Transformed

August 16, 2012 at 9:53pm

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Our lives are formed and transformed like the coastal cliffs. Shaped, shifted, and sieved by the elements that beat and batter us. The winds come and loosen up the sandy facade, the rains come and drain that which is unstable into the ocean and the waves batter and wash away everything that has been affected by the rest. What's left is pieces of what used to be. What's left is rock, granite that is solid and unmovable.

We go through this process and notice that everything is different, that our lives don't resemble what it used to be. Pieces of us gone, chunks of us washed away without a trace to be found anywhere and we are not the same. We mourn the loss of what was, but we never really take the time to look at what is.

God forms the landscape into what He chooses it to be and the landscape is ever changing. A work of art constantly in progress, yet consistently beautiful and awe-inspiring. Always amazing and breathtaking because God's handiwork is nothing less. Separations occur. Cliffs become separated into islands. Islands get cut through by the waves to create caverns...and life grows. Each island is a sanctuary, each cavern a hiding place from predators.

Take a moment to grieve and morn what has fallen into the sea of your life. But make your life a constant reminder of what God has transformed and is transforming you to be. Ever changing. Ever shaping, but always beautiful. Battered. Worn. Weathered. Weakened. Even at a point of collapse in some vulnerable spots, but always a beauty to behold. A wonder to look upon because God is doing this shaping and it is ever perfect.

I am changing daily. Pieces of me fall into that great ocean of life and I am shaped into what God wants me to be.