Brand new hope

A while back I posted an entry titled "My fear of Sunsets". I remember vividly how I felt while I wrote that piece and how afraid I was, and still am, of not knowing what will come after the sunset. Willy's health has been a weight on my mind and heart for some time now.

I went away with my buddy Lara and her precious baby this week. To get out, away and to scrap a bit. We were in a beautiful home in the mountains of Sonora, and this is the view I had each morning from my bed.

The first morning, I didn't have my camera with me and was really too awe struck to get up and fetch it. The second morning, I had my camera by my side and was able to capture a glimpse of the beauty and hope of this glorious sunrise.

I truly feel that we have gotten through an extremely rough/crucial time and I now have something to look forward to.

Willy had been quite a trooper with his treatments, but it is awfully depressing. Depressing for all of us, but he's the one who has to deal with being in the clinic 5 hours at a time 3 days a week. It weights on his mind and takes a toll on his body. It really isn't any fun, I mean when he walks out of the house first thing in the morning, it's not like I can say "have fun" even "have a good day" seems inappropriate , so I've just resorted to not saying anything except "I love you".

A week ago we went to an appointment with the home hemo dialysis clinic. Willy was extremely thrilled and totally interested in doing this. They needed insurance approval before we could begin and that came in a matter of days! So, on Monday he begins training for home hemo dialysis.

It's not going to be easy, at all. The process will still take about 5 hours at home and it's a 6day per week treatment. We will have the machines here, and he will literally self-treat. The training is intensive, daily for about 5 weeks. But he will have control of his own treatment in his own home on his own schedule.

The boys are aware of what's going on and this "in your face" treatment. But you know, we've got to do what we've got to do. At this point getting Willy out of the clinic is what we GOT to do.

I totally feel new hope for Willy. Most importantly, He feels new hope. His health problems are not going away but the way we're dealing with them are beginning to look a little less depressing. He would so much rather spend 5 hours in his own home with is family surrounding him, being able to watch cable tv or a movie of his choice. Instead of going to the clinic, hearing other patients complain, seeing nothing but elderly people, amputees just laying there with no life in their eyes, no smiles on their faces, no strength to walk.

Maybe it's just the clinic he's at because I know there are other more lively, young and hopeful people on dialysis out there. Willy just happens to be seated with the ones who scream to be released or who don't have enough strength to walk or even desire to talk. He's the most patient man I've ever known, but after just six months, he can't take it anymore. We've been told he'll likely have from 3-6 years more of this before a transplant would be possible.

So, thanks to all of the wonderful technicians who've assisted my husband. You are incredibly gifted, I have no idea how you do what you do for hours on end. How you can see patients come and go, is beyond me. You are amazing people and totally under appreciated.

Today was Willy's last clinic treatment, on Monday he starts his training to take care of himself. Hope.....there is hope

My joy

I've just gotta say, I love my boys.

Life goes by so fast and children grow even faster.

Going to the fair has been a yearly tradition for us for at least 13 years. I used to load up the car, double stroller, lunches, bottles, juice boxes, sunscreen, hats, diapers...well, you get the picture, and head out to the fair with the boys. We'd have fun walking around, playing with the exhibits on "Kids day" watching the silly & corny shows. By the end of the day I was exhausted from dealing with the three little ones - all 2 years apart. So depending on the year I could have a 1, 3 & 5yo...and so on.

We visited the fair yesterday. With my teen boys and my little one. Although I truly miss the fun we used to have when they were little, the questions, their cute faces, I have come to appreciate my children in a whole different sense.

Instead of running around and under and in circles LOL, my boys actually can appreciate the art that is displayed. We can walk through the Hall of Commerce or the Garden exhibits and take our time perusing, instead of just running through with no clue or appreciation for the beauty that is around....or admiring the special squeegee that will last the next 25 years! HA!

No, are we done yet? Can we go now? This is boring! Well, I got a little of that from Alex but at least it wasn't 3 to 1 against me....it was 4 to 1 against Alex!

It's so nice to be able to hold an intelligent - thought provoking conversation with your children. Yeah, singing silly songs and making funny faces is a hoot too!

But, to know that the children you have raised and watched grow for all these years have amazing thoughts and dreams and hold an appreciation for art and education is a wonderful feeling. We can walk through a museum or an educational exhibit TOGETHER, they don't roll their eyes instead, they take time to inform themselves and read things that interest them.

I've heard so many people talk about how their teens don't like spending time with their families. They don't go out with their parents, they have no interest in family time. I thank God I don't have to force my kids to go out with me, I thank God I still have my kids with me.

They are my joy.

I can't believe I ate the whole thing!

I completed another year of life this week, it is scary, really :)

Of course, we had TOC's all week. But that's ok because one team lost, the other won and then played their last game a couple of days ago. Next stop, All Stars, it never ends I tell ya!

Well, today my dad and his wife took me to my favorite restaurant, the Tijuana to celebrate my birthday. Mexican seafood, need I say more?

I wait for this for this day every 12 months. Today, my wait was over. Chris ordered posole, my dad got a bowl of 7 mares (translated: 7-seas, a bowl of soup made with 7 different types of seafood) and I got my long awaited "Camarones a la Diabla" (translated: Shrimp of the devil or shrimp from hell) OMGosh, the reason for it's name is because it's hot as "hell"! LOL

Before we began to eat I told my dad and Chris

>"Hold on, I have to do something before we eat.
>Chris said "Oh, right, we have to say grace"
>I said "Oh, yeah, well that too, but I have to take a picture before we start to eat!"

Well, Chris just about fell out of her chair laughing at me! I know, I know, I'm bad!

Anyone who knows me knows I love, LOVE hot hot hot food. I live for hot hot hot food. I long for....well, you get the picture. And if you don't "get the picture" here's one for ya!



They say a picture is worth a thousand words...this one doesn't say " water " enough!

Summertime!!!

Yippie! And here my friends is the epitome of summer.

The Ultimate Gulp!!! Filled with ice, a couple of squirts of vanilla flavor and fill'er up with diet Pepsi. With my Ultimate Gulp by my side, I'll get all cozy with a good book on the shore of one of our lagoons or lakes and listen to the boys while they swim and play. I love summer :)

As of tomorrow, summer is officially ON!

Whew...part deux

My Will,

Ready or not....he's on his way!

These past couple of days have been extremely crazy!

The heat was a huge problem for us. BW had a hard time at Andrew's ceremony and an even worse time at Willy's. My dad had to take him home before he got out to mingle with the family, so no pics of dad or Welo with the grad, but we'll go out this weekend and play "photo shoot".

No time to get all choked up at the ceremony, I was too busy making sure Big Willy didn't pass out, but I've had enough crying time and I know this summer I'll continue, till the big "going away" day.

I can't wait till next week, countdown to summertime for me 4 more work days!!!

Whew

Congratulations Andrew!

Now officially done with middle school and into high school, where it all counts!

My Andrew has amazed me these last couple of years. He's gone through some very serious health conditions, two surgeries, over a year on steroids for a very threatening immune disease, and still on a low dose chemotherapy agent for this same disease.

Yet, he didn't stop. He didn't complain, never tried to get out of doing work. He went through several months where he could barely see, yet he continued as if nothing were wrong. His father's child, this one is. He has a strength and faith so strong, it's amazing for me to see.

His hearing is holding up, no changes so far, this is good! Although he's still on the chemo injections once a week, his rheumatologyst says he may be able to go to the pill form of the same RX within the next few months - less side effects!

He's done awesome this year in baseball, this kid may be big, but he can move! He's ready for High School, ready to play football, wrestle and play baseball.....I'm not sure if I'm ready!

My Andrew..............the tough one :)

Eeek! The time has come :)

Crazy crazy week ahead.

2 TOC games today, one in Union City one in SLZ
MAYBE 2 TOC games tomorrow ( I don't have the brackets) I have no idea when the other games are gonna be
Baseball Game on Wed but they're not going because...
8th grade promotion on Wed.
H.S. Graduation on Thurs. (I have a feeling there's another game this day)
Pictures to edit
Clothes to buy
Haircuts to get
Last day of school on Thurs - not for me :(
Pictures to scrap
Class to create


I'm sure there's more but I've got to get my butt to work!

Lost in the chaos?

My 2nd born, the middle child for a while. My driven, outspoken, opinionated, kindhearted, protective son. Can't stand to see injustice and will not tolerate it any way or form whatsoever.

This kid is a TRUCK, strong as an ox he is, but wouldn't hurt a soul. He towers over me and calls me "shorty", in a loving sort-of way.

He's not lost in the chaos, in fact he's blossomed so much this year and is so driven academically. He'll be attending a course at U.C. Berkeley this summer, what is he taking? 1st year Japanese. There's so much depth to this child, he amazes me constantly. Wise beyond his years, always has been, he just has this "sixth sense" about him.

Everyone knows I've been caught up with so much lately, and I was looking through my posts thinking hmmm, it might look like I'm neglecting someone. With LW going off to college, BW being so sick, Drew and his issues (I'll post good news about his health later) and Alex...well, he's just so cute :) I thought I'd post about my body guard, who's been by my side, sensitive to my moods and rubs my head when it hurts, without me even asking!

This is my Benito.

The Breast Stroke

Something I wrote a few weeks ago and didn't post. Felling ok now but just though someone might need to hear this:


I'm not an athlete. I love to watch and play baseball, I swim, but a competitive athlete, I am not.

One summer I was on a swim team. LOVED it, swimming is still a great love of mine. I don't even care how I look in a bathing suit, that's how much I love to swim. My strokes were freestyle and back.

One meet, our team had no one to compete in the breast stroke. So, I don't know why, they put me in to compete. I knew the stroke, but I wasn't at all competition level in it. I did it. Got through one lap and headed down the home stretch. By the time I took the turn, everyone was half a pool length ahead of me. I was so embarrassed, humiliated. I wanted to give up.

Not only was I humiliated, my muscles began to burn. I was in pain. I was weak. I didn't think I could make it. I was in the shallows, I knew I could stand, I wanted to give up. Half way down the pool, and the race was over, well at least for the other swimmers. I was the only one left.

All the while, I was angry. Angry at my coach for making me compete in a stroke I had never worked at. Angry at myself for doing it, and, humiliated. Humiliated because everyone was looking at me. By this time my stroke was sloppy, not that it was anything fancy to begin with. My legs and inner thighs were burning and trembling, it was difficult swimming in a straight line. I even thought about changing things up a bit and just finishing with the freestyle. But I began to look around and there were people shouting for me. As I tried to tune in the crowd I realized, they were cheering for me, ME. They didn't know my name or who I was, but they were encouraging me to finish. Encouraging me to go on and not give up.

It was surreal. But at that point, the anger subsided and the humiliation was being replaced by determination. I don't know how I made it those last few yards, but I pushed and I made it. I had to be helped out of the pool, my legs had no strength. The funny thing is the other swimmers kept coming up to me congratulating me on my race. HA! It wasn't a race...silly people, didn't they realize?

I don't know what made me remember and share this story. Maybe it's because I feel like my life is a swim meet, I'm half way down the pool right now and I've seen the other swimmers finish their race. All I can see ahead is more water, and all I can feel is humiliation, pain, fatigue and even anger *especially* anger. The pain I understand, even the anger. The humiliation, I have no idea where that's coming from. The fatigue....well, I guess I don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that one out.

At least I know I can look to the sides of my pool and see those around me yelling at me to finish and not to give up. When I get to the end, will you help me out of the water-'cause I'm gonna be messed up!

Oh BTW I failed to mention, the Breaststroke is now one of my strongest and most favorite strokes :)