Afterall it IS a raise right???

Boy I feel like the most ungrateful person on earth right now. So many things are happening at work that I just can't even keep up with the latest "drama". Although I'm not one to get caught up in all the fuss, it kinda just sucks you in, ya know?

The good news is that we just got word that we are getting a raise. 5.1%, not bad, not bad at all. I'm grateful, but not really. We also got word that our Health Insurance benefits are going up too, 25%!!!! So, the 5.1% basically gets cancelled out and then some...then lots of some! By December 31st I will be paying OVER $750.00 per month for health care....'scuse me, for Health Insurance, then the copays for the Dr. visits and Rx on top.

Needless to say, I'm now officially in the job market. The final word came from our union today and today I conceded; this is a loosing battle I CAN NOT WIN. I’ve known this for a while, but that hasn’t made it easier to accept.

I honestly thought I’d be with the district for the rest of my life. It’s a great job that I LOVE. I love being there with my kids, I love what I do and I love the people (well most) I work with. My co worker and I have already shed some tears. I’m breaking her heart all the while my heart is breaking too. I know, I have to do what is best for me and my family, yada yada yada.

It’s so scary putting myself out there again. I’ve never, ever had a problem finding a job, Willy’s reminded me of that several times during the past weeks. But there’s always the feeling of rejection to have to contend with. I’m a firm believer that whatever door I need to step through will be opened and whatever doors shut right in front of me is for the best. Every thing has a purpose, whatever happens in my life is an opportunity to learn, to grow.

I don’t know what the future holds, I don’t know what’s gonna happen and why it’s happening. When changes come about I get really scared. It could be bad, really really bad, or it could be good, really really good. There seems to be no “in-between” for me, that’s just how my life has worked out so far.

Is this my Andrew?

Well, it was a LONG day yesterday. We got to the hospital at 10.30 and got home after 8.00. Andrew's surgery went long, as expected. But all seems well. The tonsils & tubes were pretty much routine but the right middle ear surgery was tough.

Last night was bad, I know it could have been worse but boy was it bad. I felt like he was two months old again sleeping in the living room with him. When he was a baby we used to sleep in a make shift tent, he in his portacrib and me on the floor or couch next to him covered in a sheet with the humidifier on and his nebulizer treatments going. I used to jump at every sound he'd make and have him sleep with no shirt on so I can make sure his belly wasn't forcing to suck in air.

I went through so much with him when he was little, for years he'd had countless ear infections, then we'd have to rush him to the hospital because he wasn't breathing right. In fact, Andrew was in the middle of an asthma atack and breathing treatment when I got the call that Willy had been taken to the hospital and had suffered a stroke.

Last night reminded me of that tough little baby I had 12 years ago. When I saw him in the recovery room, I was reminded of the fact that I had to leave the hospital without him when he was a newborn. I felt so helpless back then, I didn't want to leave him, it tore me apart.

Last night, he waved Willy and I away as the nurse told us to go have dinner. He made us move to the other side of the curtain when he needed to go pee, then offered us "lemonaid" after he peed in a container, nasty kid!!!!!!! Not a baby anymore, not a helpless newborn flailing his arms and legs, crying and struggling to draw in breath.

God, where did the time go?

It broke my heart last night when I got up to walk him to the bathroom. He had tears streaming down his face, he was in pain. He never whimpered, or whined, just tears flowing down those round, swolen cheeks of his. Yet, here he sits, just barely 16 hours after his surgery, asking for his math homework...who is this kid?

Surgery's tomorrow

Andrew goes in for surgery in the morning. A 5-6 hour procedure. He's fine with it, I'm a bit apprehensive.

I was looking at my boys the other day, actually I was looking at Celia's little ones and remembering when mine were that young. I remember the sleepless nights, the messes, the never ending cleaning jobs. I remember being exhaused. Just utterly EXHAUSTED!

I remember Andrew being so sick when he was a baby and barely having the strength to keep my eyes open, let alone have the strength to deal with my other two kiddos. I think I was in the house once for 3 months striaght when they all got Chicken Pox. Talk about stir crazy!!!

Now I look at Andrew and how calm and collected he is. Only phased by the fact that he'll be missing school for a couple of weeks, my poor baby has been so sick and battleing some serious health issues for almost a year now. He doesn't complain, he just ploughs through. Kinda like his momma I guess. No sense in complaining about something you can't do anything about.