Oxymoron

No, not stupid people with acne!

Oxymoron’s are fun. I just love that word and I love phrases that fit that definition. I think I’ll start a list. I can’t promise one a day, but I’ll try to post at least once a week. That’ll give me a goal to maintain since I’ve been so bad at keeping up with my blog entries.

Here’s my first:

Deafening Silence:

I actually “get” this one. I’ve literally experienced it before and it was a “light bulb moment” for me.

As I’ve posted before, my Andrew has had some hearing problems and some very serious medical conditions with his ears.

Well, I joined him one afternoon for his hearing test. We were put in this soundproof booth and the door was shut. It was literally so quiet in that room that my ears hurt! I could hear myself swallow, blink and breathe. I could even here an “echo” in my head, LOL I swear!!! It was so quiet that my ears were buzzing.

It was very weird and hard to explain but I really did experience a “deafening” silence. Of course Andrew didn't hear a thing!

{crickets chirping}

Ever get the "feeling"?

Yeah, I know it’s been a while. I guess I come here when it’s time to sort things out or get things off my chest. Things I just need to express in an outward form in order to process.

Ever been used? Well, as a “Pastor’s wife” unfortunately it happens, happens often and repeatedly. Sometimes by the same people sometimes by people who you think are the closest to you. I have many friends who are in the position that I am and we share similar stories, things that no one would even believe, yet we continue in our positions smiling, fulfilling our duties, standing aloof and alienating ourselves from the “women” in our own churches making sure not to let anyone get too close. Well, you definitely can’t have any close friends in the congregation….that’s made clear from the “get go”. Honestly, it is a lonely life, one that will either make or break a church, or marriage. Thank God I still have both and my husband is my best friend.

Since friendship in the “church” has it’s dangers, I’ve found a wonderful outlet to meet and make new and wonderful friends. Friends who won’t judge me for just being me and won’t look at me thinking “She’s a ‘Pastor’s wife’ she shouldn’t wear that or do that or watch that”, all while maintaining my integrity and staying true to my convictions. Really, aside from friendships made at work this has been my first true outlet for friendship.

But I’m beginning to get those feelings again. Those feelings of being “duped”, of being “used”, the feelings of betrayal. The knife wounds that I thought healed are beginning to sting again. Because it doesn’t matter who sticks the knife in there or when….it always end up hurting in the same place

Ever cut your hand or finger, really bad? There’s that initial thought “oh man! I cut my hand!” but you don’t feel anything yet? It takes a little time for the pain signals to reach the brain. Then you LOOK at your hand and realize…Oh man! I CUT MY HAND” and you see the damage that’s been done but, still, you don’t feel the full effect of the slash. THEN, you feel that throbbing pain and panic sets in. “Oh my God, I cut my hand!” I think I’m here…still trying to figure out if my hand’s cut or not and if it is how bad is it?

I’m hoping for a paper cut, although those hurt like heck! LOL but at least I’ll get over it really fast. If it’s a knife wound? Well, I’ve survived plenty of those and although it takes a lot longer to recuperate from it won’t cripple me forever.