Blubbering idiot

Yep that's me.

Saw lots of other blubbering idots yesterday too so I don't feel too bad.

I'll be home tonight and maybe I'll get a chance to post some pictures.

Willy and Welo went bowling last night. It was so cute and yes, I cried.

Maybe people will think it's sweat running down my face instead of tears, but then there's the whole wailing thing....hmmm nope no way to hide that :)

I'm in Tennessee

No pictures to share yet. But I must say it was a terribly emotional farewell from home.

My boys have never been without each other. To see them embrace and weep with each other tore me apart. Just tore me apart :( It was JUST like an emotional movie, I can just hear the violins playing. All three of the boys standing in the front yard, eyes red and swollen, that sob-breathing where you can see the chest and shoulders move, waving bye as we pulled out of the driveway. As we're driving towards the freeway, Willy weeping in the back seat. Then I remember "Willy, your bowling bag!" (the violins come to a scratchy screeching halt) So we had to turn around, drive back home and get his bag. It was flippin hilarious! The boys still on the front porch, this time shaking their heads and smiling that we ruined a perfectly fine dramatic ending! Yes, this is the Olivera life, you can't stay too sad, or angry for too long, it's just not *us*.

We've been to Wallmart already got bedding, alarm clock, pillows and stuff like that. Willy moves in the dorms tomorrow, Friday. He got into the "Palace" lol. The newest dorm building that supposed to be just awesome....I'm afraid, very afraid LOL

We arrived in Nashville at about 1:am on Wednesday morning, when we went outside to pick up our rental, it was 85degrees...at 1AM!! It's a little cooler here in Cleveland but not much, thank God for AC.

Well, gotta go pick up Willy's balls, bowling balls that is. Out of six pieces of baggage that we checked, his bowling bag didn't make it through. Yes, the bag that ruined the perfectly dramatic ending that was going to stay impressioned in my heart forever! But they've found it and now we're gonna go pick it up.

More updates later.

Trial by fire

Yesterday we went to the beach with the entire family as a "last outing" before Willy leaves. It was a stressful time, I think we're all just on edge and don't know how to react to this huge change in our family. We did go out and get some family pictures before that though, and although I'm not happy with the quality of the photo, I am happy that we are all IN IT!

On the other front....Willy set up another treatment yesterday, and I must say, I think I've got lots and lots more gray hair and scared to death! What's Murphy's law? Yeah, well, maybe not *everything* but some very scary things went wrong last night.

A 4.5 hour set up and treatment ended up taking 7.5 hours! Willy' saline line became contaminated, it was a stupid mistake but he was very calm, thought about his procedures and talked me through spiking a new bag and hooking it up. We could have waited, he doesn't need the saline until the treatment is over BUT of course he needed it to solve ANOTHER problem we were having with the pressure flow through the machine. And like that wasn't enough as we fixed the pressure flow we introduced air into the machine......HUGE problem.

We have been trained on how to remove air and I was doing just as I was taught, but man was that scary. That is the worst alarm that could go off on this machine. If air is introduced into his blood stream, he could die, very very fast. Willy held it together for me, talked me through it, remained calm. Not once did he freak out or raise his voice, I was secretly panicking.

I got the air out, reset the alarms and thank God that was the end of the drama. Except for Alex. While the other boys were TOTALLY oblivious to what was going on, Alex kept watching and was near, at arm's length the entire time. It seems he was the only one who knew how dangerous a situation we were in and he was extremely upset afterward. We talked, we cried, we hugged and we got through it. We stayed with our wits about us and we won! Yeah, so the treatment didn't end until 1:00am but the three of us woke up this morning with a feeling of victory, the others... just grumpy!

In case you're wondering, if the alarms would not have reset, we would have just stopped the treatment, he would have lost some blood but he would have been just fine.

Changes

Wow. I'm in awe and pretty much overwhelmed at what is happening in my life.

1st off, I'm so proud of my husband. Words can't even express what I feel for him at this moment.
Yesterday was his last day of training for Home Hemo Dialysis and today was his first treatment at home. There were some technical difficulties and he couldn't run a treatment. He got everything hooked up but there was some problems with the power outlets in our house and the machine kept turning off.

But he got hooked up just fine, it was just a problem with the wall sockets.

2nd, I'm so proud of my little Alex. Throughout this summer Alex has waken up with Willy at 6:30am and taken the ride across the bridge to keep him company during his training. He wasn't forced to go, we didn't make him, he just wanted to. He'd make sure to tell dad at night to come and wake him up in the morning. On the couple of mornings when he wouldn't wake up, I told Willy to let him sleep, when he did wake up he was quite upset that dad left without him. He'd mope around the house all day long and I felt really bad.

Alex amazed the nurses and staff members at Wellbound. He'd sit all day long, reading, playing games and just keeping his dad company as he was trained and treated. I'm talking 6-7 hours per day. Not only did he keep his dad company, he also learned what Willy learned. He learned the mechanics of the machine. He learned how to prep and how to remove air from the lines. He learned safety precautions and how to help his dad if something were to happen to him. He's also helped him come off of his treatment.

I came home at lunch time, and as I was pulling in the nurse was pulling out. I walked in the house and Willy had to start disconnecting himself. I went to wash my hands and put some gloves on when I looked and Alex was already prepared to help and had his gloves on. (We have a supply of "small" gloves just for him) So I did what any good mom would do and grabbed my camera :)

Watching these two is just so amazing. Alex is so loving and caring towards his father and none of this has scared him. It doesn't gross him out and he has no reservations about helping...which I've always told the boys they didn't have to do anything they weren't comfortable with.

So, my entire house is changing. I have no closet...my room is a DISASTER, clothes and shoes ALL OVER the place. My living room is now half scrapbook room-half clinic. And I have child moving out next week...sigh.

Here's a quick pic of how many boxes of supplies we received this week and also pictures of Alex and dad.

It might seem graphic to some but this is my life, these are the changes I have to face.

10 years ago.....

August 7th, 1997 is a day I'll never forget.

It's a day that sits in the back of my mind, always haunting, always threatening. A memory that at times tries to overtake me and fill me with fear.

But I've yet let that memory defeat me, in fact I've defeated it. I have defeated a lot of fears, and even face some more haunting than that day itself.

10 years ago, my husband suffered a life threatening stroke. We had 3 sons, ages 5, 7 & 9.

It was a bleed on the left side of his brain that affected his entire right side and his language central. He was paralyzed and couldn't put two words that made sense together, he couldn't communicate.

When I saw him in the emergency room, the doctor wasn't hopeful and gave him about an hour to live, his exact words? "Your husband may die within the hour"

When I think back to that day, to that time, it's almost as if someone is narrating my story. I look back and don't understand how I withstood that time, how I was able to stand firm and not loose total control. Well, I do know it was the promises of God that kept me.

A few months before, Willy and I had set out on the venture of starting a missions church in Oakland. We've always had a heart to help people, desperate people. We've always felt Oakland was a desperate place.

When Willy suffered this stroke, the only thing that came to my mind was that he wasn't finished with the work he was supposed to do, so obviously, if he wasn't finished he couldn't die. God certainly could not have put such a burden in our hears to just yank him out of the picture now, and not complete what we have set out to do.

So with that revelation, like a flash through my mind, I looked at the doctor and said "He will not die today, so where do we go from here?" He looked at me like I was crazy. I wasn't understanding his statement. There was no where to go from here. This was it. This woman before him was in denial.

There are so many moments, so many little things that I remember. So many feelings and emotions. So many fears. What if he can't walk? What if he can't talk or communicate? Will he ever stop drooling? I remember having to walk out of one of his speech therapy sessions. Stood in the hallway, propped up against the wall and wept. I wept because my extremely intelligent husband could not read a six word sentence. I remember thinking "this is impossible, he can't even read. God, he CAN'T READ".

*Wheelchair
*NG Tube
*Catheter
*unable to communicate, through speech or writing

He came through all of that. It wasn't easy, it isn't easy.

Can I be real here? There have been many many times I've prayed and asked God why he let him live. If you have ever cared for a sick loved one you'll know the feeling "If he died it would be so much easier". But again, I've never been known to take the easy way out.

And now, here we are, 10 years later and he faces a whole new set of struggles. The man has the patience of a saint. In fact, Ben and I have talked about this and we both agree that we CAN'T STAND how patient he is! LOL We hate it. The man sat at a gas station, on the day of LW's graduation party, and waited in line for about 1/2 hour to put gas in. He waited at this gas station because it was 5 cents cheaper than all the others. The others' didn't have a line, but he waited in line without complaint. Our complaint? He only put in $5.00 worth!!!!!! My God! LOL

He struggles, but he's got HOPE. He is so excited to be starting his home dialysis treatments. He's got new ideas for the church. He's wants to do things with the family. He's excited about life. He has been through so much in the last ten years, it's not been a very happy time. It's been a very difficult time. Lots and lots of struggles, unmentionable struggles, untold frustrations and indescribable pain. But there's hope. I truly, truly feel there has been a turn in the tide. I look forward to the setting sun, just to see what the new day will bring.

Here we go!

My stomach is doing flip flops just thinking about this and next week.

* Big Willy comes home with his dialysis equipment this week, first treatment at home on Friday.
* Little Willy's last week home. He's so quiet and somewhat sad. I'm not quiet and REALLY sad
* I go back to work this week :( I haven't even thought of this new school year!

We've got to prepare for boxes and boxes and BOXES of medical equipment here at home. I need to re-arrange the living room and I might have to downsize my scrappin area :( I'm thinking of everything I can to all of his supplies stored someplace else in the house....I'm giving up my closet space! LOL It was that or the scrap area, shoot I don't need any closet space! Hopefully that's enough room :)

This is a really positive thing for us. It's going to take a little getting used to, basically having a clinic set up in our living room. But this is our life now, until Willy can get a transplant.

LW got his dorm assignment, his financial aid award, a notebook computer is on it's way and he's finally got a cell phone! LOL I think he was the only 18 year old without a cell phone in California! Now he's got a way to communicate with his mom when he's in Tennessee. Computer AND cellphone. LOL

He's such a brave young man for doing this. You have to understand, my kids didn't even like spending the night at other kids' houses when they were little. I left home at 16 and never went back. But I felt that was my only choice and in a way, it was. I've made sure to make my children feel as they belong and to give them a refuge at home, now he leaves his refuge, his safe place, to face the world on his own. I know he's not alone, God is always be there and we're just a phone call or IM away, but really, we all know that type of *alone* and this is where he'll be.

The "grow up or else" alone. The "make the decision and pray it's the right one" alone. The "no time to ask for advice" alone. The "do it now or else" alone.

We went for a walk at Pier 39 late, late night on Saturday. Me, BW, LW and one of his friends Miss K. I this is one of my faves, so far :)


BTW check out this site, how cool is that?

My little friend

If you look to the sidebar of this blog you'll see a my friend "Little J".

Please go to little J's mommy's blog to read his entire story, The hardest day ever.

I've had the opportunity to babysit little J and he's the happiest guy there is, all smiles and giggles, my boys just fell in love with him!

Let's help him and his family raise awareness of Angelman Syndrome and help the research foundation as well. I want to see my little friend on the top 10!

But please don't try to cheat the system for him! Here's an excerpt from Laurie's post:

Okay, now that you have read this big long post, I should get to the part about raising awareness. Kevin Bacon has founded Six Degrees.Org. Six Degrees, in partnership with the Network for Good and Hanes, Hanes will donate up to $10,000 to the top 10 badges charities! The top 10 badges are determined by the number of unique donations, not by the amount of the donation. A unique donation means getting different people to support your cause. They will be checking all of the donation records for each charity badge at the conclusion of the campaign; duplicate email address and credit card combinations will only be counted once, because they violate the spirit of Six Degrees. So please, no intentional gaming of the system or encouraging others to do so; efforts like this will jeopardize your eligibility. Past recipient charities are not eligible.

Thanks everyone!