Boards torn up: February 2015

Your Past Does Not Define You

Originally posted as a FB note on May 10, 2014

Your past does not define you

May 10, 2014 at 9:06pm

It's been a crazy week. Work. Studying for midterms. Homework. Studying, preparing and praying for the message I'll be speaking for Mother's Day tomorrow. It's been crazy, but good, somehow it always turns out good.

As I was thinking about my sermon for tomorrow, I couldn't help but think about where I was this day 17 years ago. My husband and I were preparing to have our first service at our very own church this day 17 years ago. It was an exciting time, full of hope, destiny and purpose. I was fearful, but confident in our calling, confident that this was exactly what the Lord had intended for our lives. I was looking forward to ministry, something I had known would be a part of my life since the age of 13.

That confidence was smashed to pieces just 3 months later. The destiny and purpose that I was so sure of was destroyed beyond recognition and I was left wondering what was to become of my life. My husband had suffered a major stroke and our lives, our world, was forever changed. Life as I had known it was gone and a new life was forced upon me.

It's funny, how during times of trouble, we lose sight of our destiny. We lose sight of our calling; our purpose. We struggled through our pastorate for several years, until the health issues continued to overtake my husband and I couldn't continue to carry all the responsibilities. I kept moving forward - through the motions- for quite a few years, but I knew I was missing something. Knowing that I was created to inspire hope, to encourage and to help others through their problems and bring hope through the Word of God, and not having that outlet left a very empty feeling deep within me. I knew I had something more to do - I just didn't know HOW to do it, where to start, or how to get back.

Thank God, through prayer, friendships and mentors, I was able to dig my way out of the pit in which I found myself. God is amazing and is always ready to deliver, help and save all who call upon Him. He has been my strength in the weakest times of my life.

My circumstances haven't changed, but I am no longer letting what happened in the past destroy my purpose. So often we use our past as an excuse to live in misery, to live in hopelessness. It's as though we live in parallel worlds, our past walking right alongside of our present, and we draw on how we felt back then to define how we chose to live today.

You have a purpose to fulfill, a destiny to walk into and you know it. You were once so confident of it, but let "life" mess you up - just like I did. I encourage you today to pick yourself up and walk into what you have been created to do. Your past does not define you. It defines your fears. It accentuates your failures and it robs you of your intended future. You cannot live in your past or let your past rule how you live today.

Call to the Lord, He is your help and salvation. Your purpose has already been defined by Him.

Choose life. Choose to live, really live.

~RevBecca

Truth and Reality: In Sickness and in Health

Originally posted as a FB note on June 3, 2014

In Sickness and in Health

June 3, 2014 at 10:34pm

June 4th, 26 years ago, I married the love of my life. We stood before our closest friends and family and pledged our love and commitment to each other. 26 years -- it's amazing. We took our vows, made an oath, a covenant before witnesses. The greatest witness who beheld our promises was God Himself.

To love and honor. For richer and poorer. In sickness and in health. Words can be so romantic.

Reality:

"In sickness and in health" is NOT romantic.

I've seen the videos and the movies. You know, where the girlfriend find out she's terminally ill (or vice versa). The couple decides to get married. He takes care of her until her last breath. We cry and then wish for a love JUST like that in our lives. Movies. Romanticized movies.

The reality is that marriage is hard work. It's compromise. Mistakes. Forgiveness. Trial and error. Learning. It's hope and working together towards fulfilling common dreams.

Dealing with life-long, life-altering, death-looming chronic illness in a marriage is beyond comprehension. It's all of the above, plus sadness. Loneliness. Hurt. Exhaustion. Fear. Hope. Fear of Hoping. Expectation and then the heart-wrenching, crushing reality of altered dreams and lives that will never be as they once were.

The sights. Sounds. Smells. Incomprehensible. At times unbearable...never romantic.

Regardless of the circumstance, this bond that we have is unbreakable. The core, our foundation, is God and He is immoveable.

Truth:

The question comes up from time to time: "If you knew back then what you know now, would you do it all over again?" In a heartbeat. Without question. Without hesitation. Yes.

He loves me. I love him. We love God.

We love God. I love him. He loves me.

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (I Corinthians 13:4-7 NKJV)

Love is amazing.

Truth and Reality: From me to me

Originally posted as a FB note on September 18, 2014

Reality:

For me, one of the most difficult places in my life is one where I cannot plan ahead. A place where I can't figure out what I'm going to do next or what the most logical "next step" is.

I'm a planner.

I'm an organizer.

I'm a project manager.

I'm an administrator.

I do things in the most effective and efficient manner. "Organized Chaos" is what some people call it. I just call it "keeping things together". How else could I have simultaneously handled my 4 sons' different baseball practice and game schedules while working full time, owning a small business, and pastoring a church? Or most recently, working a stressful 40+ hour a week job, going to school full time, working as a Personnel Commissioner, caring for an ill spouse and being deeply involved in ministry? It's just what I do and I can't do it without an extreme amount of planning and organization.

I find it's most difficult when I come to a place and there is no plan to be formulated, even "drafted" because there is NOTHING that can be seen by my eyes to get me out, through, or over. It's sort of like being surrounded by enemies and knowing I don't have enough soldiers or strength to fight to a victory or even to defend my only treasure, my life. It's having Pharaoh and his army behind me and the Red Sea in front, no place to go, no strategy to be crafted on my own.

That is when I must become fully surrendered to the One who knows the plan for my life. Surrendering is difficult for everyone, but what's most difficult for me is seemingly "being in the dark", not knowing where my life is headed. All I want is to KNOW. How long am I to say here? How long do I have to wait? What's my timeline? I'm positive I'll get through, that's really not the problem. I have a God who cares for me, protects me, guides me and helps me. I just want to KNOW how and when He's going to do it! I want the plan, the strategy, ahead of time. Because, after all, that's what *I* do, that's how *I* think, that's how *I* work.

Truth:

I have never been known to mince words, to sugar coat a situation. I'm straightforward and honest. I just don't know how else to be. I'm working on smoothing out the "harsh" Becky, but sometimes a dose of truth is really needed in our lives - Straight. Up. Truth. The type of truth that makes you "shut yo mouth". The type of truth that brings you to your knees in humility and reverence to a Holy God the Creator of the Universe.

From me to me: In all my honesty:

The fact of the matter is, it doesn't matter what I think or how I work.

Point blank: God doesn't work the way I work, so just zip it and let it go. No matter how much I beg and plead, God is God and He will do what He wills, not what I want just because I want it. If he decides to reveal the how and when, then He will. Otherwise, it's time to be still and see the salvation of the Lord. There's no plan except for the Plan of God for my life. There is no path except for the Path of God for my life. Not the plan *I* set in order, but the Plan that has been set for me from the foundations of the earth.

Settle down, Becky. God's Word will do the work He has sent it out to do. Be still. Wait. God is Sovereign: supreme; absolute, unlimited; boundless; ultimate. Give up your plans, Becky and let God’s plan rule your life. His plan brings Peace, Joy and fulfilment of your destiny.

Alright already!

Isaiah 55:8-11 The Message (MSG)

8-11 “I don’t think the way you think. The way you work isn’t the way I work.” God’s Decree. “For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think. Just as rain and snow descend from the skies and don’t go back until they’ve watered the earth, Doing their work of making things grow and blossom, producing seed for farmers and food for the hungry, So will the words that come out of my mouth not come back empty-handed. They’ll do the work I sent them to do, they’ll complete the assignment I gave them.

Truth and Reality - Confessions of a Perfectionist

Originally posted as a FB note on: November 26, 2014

Reality:

There are times, like today, when I feel my best just isn't good enough. I'm at a place in life that I realize all that I give, the best that I give, is not adequate, I just fall short. This fact, this reality, has recently smacked me upside my head. I'd like to think that my best is good enough - that I can take care of everything myself - but it's just not possible. I've never felt as inadequate as I did today, I'm not enough. I have more of this to face in the near future. It's sad, it's real, it's true -- my best isn't good enough.

My best isn't good enough. My best falls short many times. Knowing this will never stop me from trying. It will never stop me from giving my best. Every.Single.Time. It's not in me to give up. Not in me to quit. Not in me to stop trying.

Truth:

If my best were good enough, I would have no need for God. I would have no need for a redeemer, a savior, a God who extends his had to reach further than mine could ever could reach.

I couldn't reach my brother. When I think of him I think my failure to reach him, but I'm confident that God reached him.

I can't take perfect care of my husband. When I think about the task set before me my knees buckle, but God knows what he needs.

No matter how hard I try, I'm always forgetting something, but somehow, someway, God always covers me.

Faults. Imperfections. Inadequacies. Weaknesses. I'm human.

He is Sovereign.

I'm weak. My best isn't good enough. BUT God.

God uses these faults, imperfections, inadequacies and weaknesses that are within me. They bring me to my knees. They bring me to a place of understanding who I am and who He is. Perfect. Sufficient. Merciful. Faithful. God. He is enough. He is strong. He is with me, in me. When I am at my weakest, He is made strong through me. My best is brought to naught and my worst is brought to worship before the King. His grace is sufficient.

He is made strong. His grace is enough.

"Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become." (2 Corinthians 12:7-10 MSG)

My Healing

Originally posted as a FB note on October 25, 2013

My healing

October 25, 2013 at 11:15pm

After 15 years of battling this disease I believe I've come to an understanding with my body. I've been completely off of all my diabetes medication for 8 weeks now. I was down to one half of a pill and am now down to no medication. (Got off of insulin two years ago)

Well, my medication is now exercise. I will always be diabetic, but I have learned that I can control it by controlling myself. I walked/ran for about 25 minutes today, not because I wanted to, but because I HAD to. Instead of taking medication to solve my problem, I ran. That twenty intense minutes dropped my blood sugar 130 points.

No, it's not fun not being able to stuff my face whenever and with whatever I want. It's also no secret that I despise running. God gives me the strength to move forward and He helps me exercise the self control I need to be whole.

If I can do it, anyone can. Just ask God to help you and to give you the determination to do it. He will. He wants you to be whole, but you have to take the steps to make it happen.

No More Fear

Originally posted on FB as a note on December 31, 2013

No more fear

December 31, 2013 at 10:01pm

For many years bringing in the new year has been a place of absolute fear for me. Those of you who know my life know what I face each day. (Those of you who don't and care to, inbox me and we'll chat) The uncertainty of life is a difficult thing to face especially when it's the love of your life who hangs in the balance.

I thank God each year for getting me and my family through, but I can't help but think what the coming year will bring. Terrifying is the word. I've lived the last several years with a dark scary shadow being cast over my life, a shadow that I didn't know how to get rid of, a shadow that I thought I had to live with. It's a fear that grips my very soul. A fear that I've lived with and made accommodations for in my life.

This year is different. God has brought me to a place of peace. As I look back on this year, I stand amazed at how God has blessed me through my circumstances. How God has changed me. He's changed ME, NOT my circumstances.

As I was reading today in Proverbs this certain translation hit me hard in my heart. "She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future". Prov. 31:25 NLT. This year God has clothed me with strength and dignity. Strength to pick up my life and move forward in what He has for me to do. Dignity- moving forward in my life and doing the right thing. Furthering my education, taking the step in ministry and responding to the call on my life to be a minister. Being a public servant and serving my community.

As the new year approaches I am filled with joy. The shadows that once horrified me are still there, but not so horrifying. The circumstances that cause me pain and sorrow are still there, but I can laugh without fear of the future.

It is inexplicable, really. I can only tell you that I have come this far by faith. Faith in an Everlasting God. Faith in His son, Jesus. Faith in knowing that every tear I shed, every pain in my heart and every scary shadow that tries to overwhelm me will pass. My life is not perfect. I do not always have happy moments, but I truly have joy and peace in my heart and soul.

If you have overwhelming shadows in your life, sorrow and pain, uncertainty and fear of your future, I stand as a witness that it doesn't have to overwhelm you. It doesn't have to take over your life. Look to Jesus for peace and joy, He is true and will give you what you need to make it through.

Laugh without fear of your future.

Truth and Reality Being Real

Original FaceBook note posted February 15, 2014

Today was a really difficult day. One of those days where you just want to crawl in bed and sleep forever. A day where you want to shut out everyone and everything and pretend that all of the things that life is hurling at you is just a dream. A terrible dream that actually stays away as long as you are asleep.Well, I didn't sleep. I wanted to, but instead of slumbering I got up and went running. Have I mentioned how much I hate running? Yeah, I thought so.

Now, let me be real for a minute. Why? Because I believe that if me being real can help someone who is hurting just as much as I am, then it's all worth it, I'll bare my soul for you to see.

Reality: I hate what life is dishing out to me right now. I've actually deleted this sentence several times because I've thought that the word "hate" is too strong. But, really, sometimes I just hate it. It's not fun. It's hard and painful. it's definitely not something that I ever wanted and certainly would have never asked for. But it is what it is. I roll with it and try to keep moving forward - today was really hard to stand, let alone move forward.

Now back to my other "hate"...running. So I ran today. You know, the "Becky" kind of running. 30 seconds slow jog - 30 seconds fast walk for 2 miles- at least that's what I call running. Actually, if I were to time myself I think my fast walk is faster than my slow jog, but I'll keep telling myself different because it makes me feel better. As I was out there I kept thinking "Why am I out here? I hate this. I should be underneath my covers blocking out the world from my life by sleeping my afternoon away." But I wasn't under my covers. I was out there because I knew that's what I needed. I needed it for my mind. For my body. For my health. For my soul. I knew that running would make me stronger. Being out in the fresh air would help me clear my mind. Being alone in a beautiful setting with music on would help me focus on God and His strength and encouragement for my life. I pressed on and I felt better.

Truth: The trials and difficulties I so hate right now WILL make me stronger. It's so easy to want to give up, but giving up gets me nowhere.

Sometimes it's difficult to see where the strength will come from when you are so weak, but we don't have to see it...we just have to DO IT. It's not easy. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. Nothing lasting is without a price, a sacrifice. I picked myself up today. Honestly, not because *I* wanted to, but because others need me to. I've seen the fearful looks on my boys faces. I've seen them turn to me for their cues, and I go forward and they follow suit...WE go on. We don't give up. We go running. No matter how much we hate it. It makes us stronger.

This life will build us up and one day we won't hate it any longer. We will grow to appreciate it because it has shaped us into something beautiful.

Racing mind

I came home after a failed study session, ready for bed. Decided to turn in at about 7. It's now 10 and I can't seem to stop my mind. I hate it when this happens.

21 years ago (Original post on FB 5/2/10)

21 years ago

May 2, 2010 at 7:21pm

A week of stress and distress. Your pliable bones being squeezed and crushed. Heart rate dropping with each gripping compression. A scare. Finally with all every last ounce of energy, a cry. Not an angry cry, an exhausted cry. Shocked. Cold. Bright. Despite the newly discovered brightness, you welcome it. Eyes open. Aware. Interested. Quiet. I should have known back then that this is the epitome of YOU.

Just minutes old, laying under the hot lamps. A loud metallic crash is heard that startles everyone, everyone except for you. You don't make a sound. Not a squeak. Only your head moves toward the direction of the crashing instruments, eyes wide open looking to see what you can see. I should have known back then.

I'm awakened from an exhausted slumber. Sore. Bruised. Every ounce of strength zapped out of me. Ribs aching. Arms cramping. I can't imagine imagine the pain and shock your body must feel. "I think he wants to eat. He hasn't cried. But he's awake and keeps looking around. Go ahead and see if he's hungry." Sure enough, you're hungry. I should have know right then.

Years later, you're in grade school, we're in the car. I look over at you, your head rested against the closed window, tears streaming down your face. I'm shocked to see your tears. I have no clue what has just happened. "What's wrong?"...silence. "What's wrong baby?" you barely respond, "I'm just tired". I'm beginning to learn.

Life is hard. You are there. Quiet. Steady. Observant.

It's taken me ALL 21 years to realize who you are. Quiet. Quietly inquisitive. Quiet. Sensitive. Quietly you suffer, quietly you rejoice. I accept you for who you are son. You are my quiet, stable rock. Steady and calm. Accept yourself for who you are and ask God what you are to do with what He gave you. Let him use your quiet spirit. Don't look back and say "I should have known", look forward and say "yes, I see".

I see.

I love you, baby boy!

The New Year - (Originally written as a FB note on 1/1/11

The New Year

January 1, 2011 at 12:38am

As most people look back and say good bye to the year as it comes to a close and look forward to a new year, a new beginning, I have a difficult time. As each year closes, I have to give glory and thanks to God for getting me through what seems every year as the hardest year of my life. Each year gets more difficult and as this one closes I can only imagine what is in store for me in the next.

I'm not complaining, I'll never complain for what is dealt to me (well, maybe just a little complaining) but being the human that I am, I know that there is always more to bear. My time with my family is only borrowed. My time with my husband is on a countdown, it's just really hard when you don't know where the clock is ticking from.

I thank God for this year. It was an especially difficult one. Four surgeries, four changes in treatment & treatment schedules. Things were VERY "ify" with BW there for quite a while. June was a horrific month....just horrible for Willy (and me) I can't even think about my anniversary without tears welling and my heart aching all over again, so I won't think about it. Work furloughs, layoffs (thank God I was able to keep my job). Busy at work and several classes taken. A new church. Then the absolutely unthinkable, I ran for a public office. Campaigning, speech writing, door to door, phone banking, public appearances....craziness! But through all of this, I came out victorious.

We endured the surgeries (and another to come very soon), we are dealing with the sucky treatment schedule. Furloughs are over, still busy at work but I don't shy away from a challenge. Kept my 4.0 EVEN through my campaign, and although I didn't win the seat, I have grown so much through the experience. The amount of love and support from the community, friends, teachers and staff members was overwhelming to me. I'm also so very grateful to be able to spend time and work side by side with my amazing friends Dennis & Kathy once again.

I wouldn't trade anything in this world for what I have, or even for what I don't have. I have been dealt my portion. Sometimes I hate what has been dealt to me, but when life fails me, God is my portion and that is all I need. Faith, Hope, Joy, Love, Peace, a Sound Mind, I have all these things. Nonetheless, I continue to face each year with fear. A fear that grips my heart and I live with daily. As I count down the old year I wish I could just stop time here because I feel I have made it. But I can't. I must start a new year all over and see if I can make it through this one, see if Willy can make it through another.

Thank you to my amazing children, Willy, Benito, Andrew and Alex for your support, love and understanding. Thank you to my scrappin buddies, life would be so boring without you! Thanks for your kindness and love and for accepting who I am. You are my escape from this crazy thing called "life" I appreciate all of you :) Thanks to my friends, old and new, you are all amazing and I can never express what your support and encouragement mean to me.

Thanks to God who gives me victory over all circumstances in my life...bring on 2011